My soulmate is already married and still hasn't left her husband – is she stringing me along?

The Sun

6 hours ago

DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I'm dating is my soulmate and perfect in every way – apart from the fact she is married to someone else.
We lie in bed after sex talking about all our future plans, but I am starting to think she is stringing me along.
I'm 34 and single. She's 38 and has been married for ten years.
We met at the local gym five years ago. The moment we started talking, I fell for her. She made me feel like I'd known her for ever.
She is beautiful, funny and kind, and she has become my best friend.
We started off training together in the gym, progressed to meeting for coffee, then, a few months later, ended up in bed in my flat.
From the start, she told me how unhappy her marriage was, She said she was no longer intimate with her husband.
When we have sex, she always says it is everything it has never been with him — tender, passionate and exciting. Afterwards, she lies in my arms, enjoying pillow talk about all the places we'll go together, even what our future children will look like.
Until recently, I was convinced she would leave her husband. But it still hasn't happened.
When I ask her why, she says she doesn't want to hurt him. Now I'm really struggling. I've invested everything in us and I can't imagine my life without her.
I don't want to lose my best friend, but I also don't want to live in this limbo for ever.
I've tried to end our affair a few times. She gets upset and I end up falling back into bed with her.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: I have no doubt she cares for you. But, ultimately, we have to judge people not just by what they say, but also by their actions.
Clearly, something is tying her to her husband – whether it's fear or comfort. And you need to ask yourself if she's being completely honest with you.
Perhaps it's time to give her an ultimatum. Set a time limit – either she leaves him, or you'll break up with her.
But beware of empty words. They will only undermine your relationship. Keep your eyes open to any efforts to manipulate your emotions again.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has useful information about being in this sort of affair.
You only have one life and deserve to be with someone who is 100 per cent committed to you.
I LONG TO BE AN UNCLE BUT SISTER WON'T HAVE KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister's decision not to have children has deeply upset me because I fear I'll die a lonely old man.
I'm single and gay, and highly unlikely ever to have kids of my own. Now I'll never even become an uncle.
I'm in my mid 40s and my sister is 39, and recently married. She has told me she and her husband have chosen not to have children.
We're a small family, and there's nobody else to create a new generation.
When our parents die, it will just be the two of us left. There will be no one to spend Christmases with, and nobody to help look after me when I'm old.
I love kids and feel so sad that there won't be any in my life. It's made everything feel pointless and empty.
While I know it's her decision to make, it really hurts.
DEIDRE SAYS: The way you're feeling is a type of grief, for the loss of the future you'd imagined as an uncle. It's known as disenfranchised grief.
Don't give up on having children of your own. You may meet someone, and gay men are now able to adopt or have children through IVF.
Even if that doesn't happen, it might be possible for you to foster.
My support pack, Feeling Lonely, should help you to find ways to overcome this.
It would also be a good idea for you to talk to a counsellor about your feelings.
DEAR DEIDRE: I BELIEVED I had overcome my childhood trauma, but it's come back to haunt me.
My brother was murdered and I feel like I'm losing my daughter, just like I lost him. I know it's all my fault because of the way I'm treating her, yet I can't help myself.
I'm a woman of 45 and when I was 12, my younger brother, then just ten, was killed by a local man.
I've always been overprotective of my daughter because of what happened to my brother.
She is now 22 and lives with her boyfriend. When I saw bruises on her arm I immediately assumed he had been physically abusive.
She said I was jumping to ridiculous conclusions. She told me that I suffocated her and she'd had enough.
Now she hasn't spoken to me for two months. I miss her so much and I need drugs to sleep. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: None of this is your fault. You love your daughter and it's natural you want to protect her from potential harm, especially after what happened.
Childhood trauma has a tendency to resurface, especially at times of stress.
It isn't too late to seek help for what you went through. Contact SAMM (samm.org.uk) which provides peer support to people bereaved by murder and manslaughter.
Ask your daughter if you can talk calmly, and explain. Hopefully she'll be understanding.
SHOULD I REVEAL FAMILY SECRET?
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I tell my children that their eldest sister is actually only their half-sister?
They deserve to know the truth, but I'm worried it will affect the closeness of their relationship.
I'm in my late 40s and have four children, two boys and two girls, ranging between 17 and 26.
When I was a young student, I accidentally got pregnant. I chose to have the baby – a girl.
But her dad wanted nothing to do with her, and we soon split. I haven't heard from him since.
When I married my now husband, a few years later, he agreed to adopt my daughter and bring her up as his own. We then went on to have three children together.
Our daughter knows the circumstances of her birth, but the other children don't. They don't seem to have questioned that, while they all have their dad's dark hair, eyes, and height, their eldest sister is petite and fair.
I feel they're all old enough to know the truth now but I'm worried it might change our family dynamic.
DEIDRE SAYS: Keeping family secrets is generally not a good idea, as they have a habit of coming out – potentially causing great upset.
Your children clearly love each other, so finding out their sibling is only a half-sister is unlikely to stop them getting on, or make them treat her differently.
However, the news may come as a shock, and they might feel angry that they weren't told earlier – particularly with you.
You need to prepare yourself for this possibility. Think about how you'll explain why this was kept from them, and reassure them.
Ultimately though, this should be your eldest daughter's decision, as she is the one directly affected. Discuss it with her first.
For more advice, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, tel: [phone]).