How long should lesbian sex last? Sexologists weigh in and reveal the ideal duration
But hearing legends told of these epic sapphic sex seshes may be a bit intimidating. Is that really how long lesbians are getting down? Are they apocryphal? Are you doing it wrong if you aren't spending half your day in bed getting busy? And if so, is that actually more satisfying?
To answer these questions and more, PRIDE reached out to the experts: Dr. Carol Queen, PhD, Good Vibes staff sexologist, co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, and Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at relationship magazine Passionerad.
If you've asked yourself these questions in the past, Roos says you're not alone. 'It's relatively common … mainly since it's more [undefined] compared to straight sex, where the man ejaculating often is a stop mark for the session,' she tells PRIDE.
That being said, Queen emphasized that very little about sex and sexuality is cut and dried. 'There aren't rules for any type of sex, aside from basing it in a consensual atmosphere,' she tells PRIDE. So while these insights might be helpful, if they don't comport with your experiences or desires, that's OK too, they explain.
So does sapphic sex actually take longer than other kinds of sex?
When scrolling through the lesbian sections of Reddit, it's not uncommon to see posts asking about why sapphic sex seems to last forever, with some even unsure how to know a session has ended.
While that may qualify as anecdotal evidence that sapphic sex tends to have a longer duration, it's also borne out by research as well. Studies have shown that lesbians and sapphics have less frequent, but longer sexual encounters — lesbians and sapphics also report greater sexual satisfaction when it comes to bedroom activities, so there's that.
The question becomes: Why? 'Sapphic sex is slower and takes longer,' says Roos. 'This is because [AFAB sapphics commonly] take a longer time to get turned on, but also can go on for longer since their orgasm doesn't 'reset' the horniness the same way as it does in [AMAB folks].'
'The fact that there's no obvious ending also makes it more floating, which often leads to the sapphic sex feeling longer, even though that might not be the case,' she adds.
What about for trans lesbians and sapphics?
The lesbian and sapphic identity is beautiful and wonderfully diverse. It encompasses cisgender, nonbinary, and trans folks, and as such, Dr. Queen points out that those different lived experiences can also impact how, and for how long, we get busy. 'There is no bigger sex mistake aside from consent breach than 'I see this person's gender and therefore I know exactly what they like sexually,'" they say.
So, while putting a time stamp on how long sex should last isn't really possible, you can ask yourself how long you want to be having sex—and if what you are currently experiencing in your sex life aligns with those needs.
What if it feels like your sex seshes are too long?
mangpor2004/Shutterstock
While more in the bedroom definitely can be more, sometimes more can be a little too much. In which case, Dr. Queen says, 'Communicate!' adding that hopefully that is already happening. 'if [you[haven't established a safeword or signal up front, it's best to say something about needing to switch it up, position, or activity-wise, or say that [you're] are getting fatigued and having a hard time responding the way they want.'
Roos agrees it's important to communicate in a way that feels respectful and affirming that you are satisfied. 'You can say something like, 'Honey, I'm starting to feel quite exhausted from all this amazing pleasure. Can we take a break and get back to it later?'' suggests Roos. 'Telling your partner that you've had enough for now isn't about rejecting them, but about showing that you feel perfectly satisfied and would like to get back to the pleasure later on!'
What if they aren't long enough?
Perhaps you wish that your sex sessions actually lasted longer, in which case, again, Dr. Queen says to be open about that desire. 'If there needs to be more stimulation to get you there, say so. If you would enjoy a more intimate connection, like making out or skin-to-skin time, say so. If the thing you are doing is not what makes you come, suggest you try the thing you do like!' they suggest.
In other words, communicate this need.
OK, so how long should lesbian sex last?
Granted, all folks are different and have different desires, anatomy, and paces at which their needs are met. And it can all vary day to day, but is there, on average, a kind of Goldilocks amount of time that sapphic sex should take that maximizes pleasure and satisfaction?
Both experts agree there isn't a magic number, but Roos offers a window of time. 'Sapphic sex lasting for between 25 to 60 minutes is a sweet spot for many,' she says. 'In this amount of time, most have a chance to get relaxed and turned on, to feel emotionally connected to their partner, and have a great chance to build up an orgasm. It also leaves room for some sexual aftercare!'
'However, with that said,' she continues, 'Don't stare blindly at the time you're having sex, but instead be in the moment and let the pleasure be what matters, and that the both of you become satisfied and happy - it doesn't matter if it took five or 50 minutes, because if everyone is happy, then what was the ideal time for the sex that time!'
We love a story with a happy ending.
Experts cited:
Dr. Carol Queen, PhD, Good Vibes staff sexologist, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, and co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone
Sofie Roos, a bisexual licensed sexologist, relationship therapist and author at relationship magazine PassioneradThis article originally appeared on Pride: How long should lesbian sex last? Sexologists weigh in and reveal the ideal duration
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