Banksying is the latest toxic dating trend, and you've probably already experienced it.
You may have already been a victim of banksying and didn't even know it. If you've had a partner who seems to slowly disappear from your life in strange but deliberate and perceptible ways – going as far as even destroying the evidence of your relationship, it's already been happening to you.
So what really is this toxic relationship term all about? "Banksying is when someone you like creates a strong romantic connection with you, and then vanishes without explanation. It's like a hit-and-run, but the car was a Bentley, and it left you spinning," said Connell Barrett, a dating coach and founder of Dating Transformation, "It comes from the street artist Banksy, who's famous for creating haunting murals—then he's gone without warning," said Barrett, who explained that in dating, it's the same move. "Someone makes you feel something special, and then vanishes," said Barrett.
'Copperfielding' might be the better name, he allows. "Because this isn't art—it's an illusion. They made you feel something magical, and then they made themselves disappear," said Barrett.
It's really rough and for those going through this, Banksying is more of a mind crush than even ghosting – which is terrible in its own right. "One minute you're thinking, 'This could be the one.' They seem very into you. Then suddenly… nothing. No closure. Just silence," said Barrett.
Barrett shared it happened to him once with a woman with whom he took improv classes. "On our first date, we were holding hands, cuddling, kissing. The bartender thought we were boyfriend-girlfriend. It felt like the beginning of something real. And I never heard from her again, and I was stunned. So yeah, I've been Banksy'd," said Barrett.
Barrett cautions that no matter how much you feel like you may need to, try to avoid the urge to ask, 'What did I do?' The truth is, you probably didn't do anything wrong. "Banksying is usually about the other person's fear. Flip the story," said Barrett. Try this mindset: 'I want someone who shows up fully, not someone who disappears.' This makes what happened about your higher standards, not about being rejected.
So why do people choose this way to end things? "It's conflict avoidance with a side order of self-protection. People who Banksy don't want the discomfort of telling you, 'We aren't a good fit.' Silence feels easier to them. They don't have to be the bad guy," said Barrett.
But to Barrett. It's even more than that. Banksying reflects a deeper dysfunction in dating today: "We perform intimacy without committing to emotional accountability. Apps and swipe culture have trained people to prioritize connection over consistency," said Barrett.
For Barrett. banksying is what happens when dating becomes a game of impression over intention—ghosting after making someone feel special. "That kind of dissonance is exhausting for anyone trying to date seriously," he said.
But there's good news: When someone Banksys you, they're actually doing you a favor. "In a way, their disappearing act is a gift. It saves you from months of mixed signals, letdowns and eventual heartache," said Barrett.
The right person won't vanish. "Together you'll create a lasting work of art. And unlike Banksy, you'll both be there to see it," said Barrett.
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