‘I'm glad my wife still swings with younger men – I've lost my stamina, so it's good to outsource'

Telegraph

10 hours ago

Sitting under an umbrella at a beachside restaurant in the south of France, Matthew* and Emma* are enjoying their ice-cold white wine and oysters. They look like any other affluent, happily married couple as they chat away.
But they're far from conventional.
The couple, who have two grown-up children, are indeed happily married – but they attribute that in part to the fact they've had sex with thousands of other people throughout their relationship.
In fact, they're so enamoured with the swinging scene that the restaurant they're at is in a village in the south of France notorious for wild sex parties. They spend much of their time there in the luxury three-bedroom property they bought 25 years ago when they decided to leave the UK, and their yacht is moored in the marina.
They've been in the swinging lifestyle for over 35 years and their marriage has never been monogamous.
Swingers from the get-go
'I met Matthew when we were both 17 at a mutual friend's party,' explains Emma, 55.
'He always says he knew I was the one within seconds of meeting me, I was probably only a minute or so behind. We just clicked.
'It wasn't that he was good-looking, although he is, it's his whole manner, he's hilarious and incredibly charming, the room lights up when he walks in.'
But within months of the couple starting to date, Matthew broached the fact that while he loved Emma, he didn't want to be monogamous.
'I wasn't exactly thrilled,' admits Emma.
'For me, I'd found the man I wanted to be with and sharing him hadn't been on my radar. But I was in love and so I kept an open mind, listening as he explained that far from wanting to cheat on me, he wanted it to be a joint adventure, that we'd both sleep with other people. After much soul-searching I agreed to explore.'
'I was highly sexed from the off,' says Matthew.
'I lost my virginity when I was 14 and I was fortunate that women seemed to find me attractive and I loved that variety, the thrill of a new body will never lose its allure.
'I loved Emma, but I knew what I was like and wanted to be honest,' he adds.
'I don't know whether it was non-negotiable and I'm just grateful she didn't test that out.'
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The couple admit it wasn't easy at first to find like-minded people.
Although swinging in the UK is now becoming more accepted – apps for the non-monogamous such as Feeld have seen a 550 per cent increase in paid membership in the past three years – back in the late 1980s and 1990s, it was still a very clandestine affair.
'The only way to find other couples was through personal ads in mags like Rendez-Vous that you found in adult shops,' recalls Matthew, a retired businessman.
'You'd look through the ads, then reply to a mailbox number with a few Polaroids and wait to get a letter back. It's the only time I can remember being excited to see the postman!
'It took months to find the first couple and we eventually met in a hotel in London,' continues Matthew.
'The mixture of emotions when it was clear the chemistry worked between us was indescribable. We went from drinks to the room we'd booked upstairs and then the action started.
'I'm completely straight, but I'm not squeamish about being close to another man and Emma is more fluid, she enjoys playing with women despite being basically straight.
'That first experience was everything we wanted, immensely sexy and naughty, it's a very highly charged experience because you are challenging your emotions. A lot of very successful men enjoy it, because they are so in control in the other parts of their life and you have to relinquish control in this situation.'
A willing participant
It was also eye-opening for Emma.
'Matthew was the leader in all of this – but I was interested, I'm highly sexed and I loved the sensation of sex with more than one person,' she admits.
'So although it would never have occurred to me and I was surprised when he first broached it, I was – and still am – a very willing participant.'
They are still best friends with that first couple – they've been through weddings, funerals and christenings together and their adult children are best friends too. They all know about their parents' sexual activities, although without any graphic details.
From that initial encounter, Matthew and Emma continued exploring. They discovered clubs such as Les Chandelles in Paris – back in the 1990s it was frequented by the rich and famous including A-list actors and politicians.
'Again we had to send a letter with Polaroids requesting to be added to the guest list,' says Emma. 'Being accepted made you feel special. I loved it there, it was beautifully decorated and very sexy – I must have slept with most of the footballers in one very famous local team at the time.
'In some ways, I miss those days when it was difficult to arrange things – the anticipation heightened everything,' she adds.
'There used to be private parties in London too, where you'd be accepted on the guest list and then wait to hear the venue through a text message a few hours before the party started.'
Jet-setting for sex
As time has passed Emma and Matthew have gathered a huge circle of friends through the swinging community and they've attended parties all over the world, some costing thousands of pounds and others nothing.
'We've lost count of how many people we've had sex with,' admits Matthew. 'It is thousands each though and Emma's had more than me. We started out with lots of rules and boundaries, but soon learnt that in the heat of the moment anything goes.
'But, we have one firm rule, that we go together and leave together and we've never broken it and never will. It's what we both want – first and foremost we are together and we are more in love now than when we got married aged 21.'
For Emma, swinging has had another unexpected bonus.
'I'm incredibly shy in 'normal' life,' she says.
'I used to go with Matthew to business events and hang behind him, hoping no one would talk to me. But among swingers I feel very comfortable and become extroverted.'
Recently they attended Spicy Island, an event where a whole island in Croatia is hired and over 600 swingers attend.
' I slept with a 25-year-old man when I was there and it was amazing. I look after myself, watching what I eat and exercising regularly, and I love the fact that I've still 'got it' – it would be hard to give up that validation. But we recognise that when we were in our 20s and 30s we were 'the beautiful people' and now we aren't and can't expect the same attention, so it's naturally all slowing down. Matthew jokes that he's glad younger men still fancy me as he's no longer got the stamina to keep going all night so it's good to outsource!
'But who knows what the future holds. I can't imagine being 75 and still having the energy for it. We both love sailing and golf and I suspect those hobbies will continue for longer than the swinging.
'It has been an amazing part of our marriage though and I think it has helped us stay as happy as we are. It's not just that we are fulfilled sexually, both as a couple – we still make love once or twice a week alone – or with a group. But also because we really communicate, you can't swing and not be very open with each other, as you have to nip any jealousy or resentment in the bud.'
Emma admits there were a few times when the thought swinging was a bit too much, saying, 'There were times I struggled, particularly when the children were young and I was exhausted, and Matthew was suggesting a trip to Chandelles in Paris. The thought of the journey was exhausting let alone having sex. But I soon got into the swing of it once I was there!'
But for the most part, the couple have enjoyed the secretive world they live in – and proved that the couple which plays together, stays together.
'For us it has always been glamorous. We were so fortunate, in that we were wealthy and beautiful so we could always pick and choose where we went and who we played with.
'The scene has changed a lot over the years. These days we could join a website when we arrive back in this country and within a matter of hours be hooking up with another couple.
'In some ways, it's better as it's more accepted so you don't have to be secretive. Although, we'd still never come out to our families and vanilla friends, as we'd still be judged unfavourably as it's the younger generation that's changed, not ours.'