My partner was seen sneaking out of male co-worker's hotel room – is she cheating?
She denies anything is going on, but my gut is telling me otherwise.
I've been cheated on before so this is bringing back a lot of bad memories.
Now, I'm so insecure and paranoid, I no longer know what to believe.
My partner and I have been together for five years and have two children. We're both in our early forties.
We met at work. I've since moved on to another job but she's still in the company.
Over the past year, she has been acting very off with me — distant and moody. She hasn't wanted sex, and whenever I try to give her a cuddle, she pushes me away.
I couldn't help noticing she was spending a lot of time with a male colleague. They were always on the phone in the evenings, or having Zoom calls.
When I questioned this, she told me they were working on an important project.
Then she had to go off to a conference. While she was away, I phoned her so the kids could say goodnight.
She didn't answer. I was so worried, I called a friend, who was also at the conference.
He said he'd seen her earlier, at dinner. The male colleague was there too.
Cheating and can you get over it
When she came home, I confronted her. She claimed her phone had accidentally been on silent. That's very unlike her.
Since then, my friend has told me he's heard rumours that my partner was seen coming out of her colleague's hotel room.
He also says there's gossip about them at work.
Before I met my partner, I had a long-term girlfriend who left me for someone she worked with. I can't bear the thought of history repeating itself.
I'm trying to keep sane and act normally for the children, but I'm struggling. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your gut is telling you your partner is cheating. And the rumours aren't helping.
Your previous experience is also feeding into your anxiety.
Nothing can be resolved unless you talk to your partner.
Rather than confronting her about her colleague, tell her you are worried about your relationship and want to make it better – for your children's sake too.
Ask her to be honest. It may be that your relationship has no future, but at least you'll know and can work out what to do.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.
Also think about having relationship counselling. To find out more, contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org).
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME DEAL WITH BRATTY KIDS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I became concerned about my brother's children, who were turning into little brats, I didn't know what to do.
They swore like troopers and had no boundaries. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to create a rift.
I'm 47 and my brother is 44. He and his wife have three children, aged between six and ten.
Although they've always been loving parents, they didn't moderate their language, and the kids repeated what they heard. They also had terrible table manners and threw food around.
You understood my concerns but reminded me I'm an auntie, not their parent, and recommended a gentle approach – asking my brother if he was worried, and telling the kids not to say inappropriate things at my house, rather than criticising my brother's parenting style.
You also recommended I contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) and read your support pack, Standing Up For Yourself.
Using the techniques in the pack, I asked my brother if he was worried about his children swearing. He was annoyed for a while but things are back to normal and I've noticed he and his wife have now been swearing less. Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you were able to tackle this. What you said clearly had an impact.
Hopefully he'll keep his children's positive development in mind in the future.
Penis size makes me worried something is wrong
DEARF DEIDRE: MY penis looks so small – like half of it is still inside me. I'm worried it's a micropenis.
Recently I've also been finding it difficult to get an erection, and I'm worried something is wrong.
I'm a 48-year-old single man, and I'm overweight, with a big 'beer belly', even though I don't drink beer.
I've been trying to lose weight, and exercising by riding a bicycle. But when I sit on the saddle, it feels like I'm sitting on my penis.
Although I've never been well-endowed, until recently I didn't think I was abnormally small down there. Is it possible to develop a micropenis as you age?
It's been several years since I was involved with a woman. I'd quite like to have a relationship again.
How can I even think about this when my penis is so tiny and doesn't work?
This isn't something I can ask anyone about, as it's so embarrassing.
What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can't develop a micropenis, you're born with it.
What's more likely is that your tummy is now hanging down over your penis, and also obscuring your view.
You may also have more fat around your pubic area, which is why it feels uncomfortable when you cycle.
It's admirable you're trying to lose weight. But it's a good idea for you to see your GP to get more help with this.
Also please talk about your erection issues, as these can be a symptom of other health problems.
My support packs, Solving Erection Problems, and Weight Worries, have more information about these issues.
WORRIED SHE'S TURNING HIM INTO A MUMMY'S BOY
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M very concerned that my sister and my nephew are far too close.
They spend all their time together, and rely on each other for everything. They're more like partners than mother and son.
I don't think this is normal for a teenage boy and his mum, and I'm worried.
I'm 45 and my sister is 43. She's a single mum to a 14-year-old boy.
His dad ran off when he was a toddler and has had no contact with him since.
I used to think my sister was a great mum, totally devoted to her son.
But lately, I've realised her relationship with him isn't healthy.
They do everything together and she is fiercely protective of him.
He should be out with his friends, becoming independent, even rebelling. Instead, he stays in with her.
She calls him 'the man of the house', But he's just a kid.
I fear he's never going to be able to leave home and live his own life.
My sister has already said she doesn't ever want him to have a girlfriend. She's scared she'll lose him.
I know if I say anything, she won't take it well. She'll probably blow up or stop talking to me. But for my nephew's sake, I feel I have to intervene.
DEIDRE SAYS: It does sound like your sister has turned her son into a surrogate partner – and that isn't healthy.
She may not mean to, but she's behaving selfishly, smothering him and stunting his development.
He probably doesn't realise his mum is using him to meet her needs, but It's a form of emotional abuse.
She needs to create boundaries – however she'll need support from you, and possibly a professional, to do this.
Intervening is tricky.
Before you say anything, consider talking in confidence to the NSPCC's helpline (nspcc.org.uk, 0808 800 5000).
You can remain anonymous.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have a calm conversation with her.
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