The guilt you feel when you can't do more for an aging parent
"I come home to a lovely house, and I feel guilty that I'm sitting, laughing while watching TV, and she can't even get someone to turn the channel," the 69-year-old from regional NSW says.
Jennifer was caring for her mum, who has dementia, at home for many years. She felt forced to place her in residential care when the system could no longer provide appropriate support for her and her mum.
Jennifer, who asked that we not include her surname for privacy, says home services often wouldn't show up, and the funding wasn't covering the level of care her mum needed.
"My beautiful mother had been a single mum of three and cared for me until I left home at 20.
"She had been a strong woman who worked all her life until aged 80, and I sadly had to place her with strangers.
Carer's Australia CEO Annabel Reid says these feelings are common among carers who wish to do more for their aging parents.
"They are trying to make the best possible decisions to care for other people.
"They often feel guilty about 'are they doing the right thing?'"
Carers may also face other barriers that mean they can't give the support they would like to, Ms Reid says, such as time or logistical constraints, other responsibilities, like caring for children, and inflexible workplaces.
"They are key challenges that make it hard for the carer to do the best job they can."
Jennifer's mum came to live on her property in a separate dwelling when she was 80 years old. Ten years later, she moved into the main home with Jennifer and her husband after falling and fracturing her hip.
"I was working full-time, rescuing animals, dealing with some of my husband's health issues, and caring for mum.
"Then we had the floods."
Jennifer says it was a tough time. She was getting up several times a night to help her mum to the toilet. She hadn't been away from the property for years.
But Jennifer says she would still be doing it today if she could. She's one of three siblings but the only one involved with her mum's care, and says the in-home aged care system let her and her mum down.
"There would be days you would make arrangements, like 'I'll go into work today', then [a support] worker wouldn't turn up.
"You find it very hard to run your life at all with some certainty."
Jennifer travels to her mum's residential care 80 kilometres away three times a week to visit and provide additional support.
But the guilt remains.
"She was walking when she went in 18 months ago. Now she's gained 10 kilograms, and her cognitive decline has [been noticeable]," Jennifer says.
It's common for carers to feel like they can't give everyone and everything in their life the attention needed, says Ms Reid.
"Being a carer comes with a lot of stress — there is administration on behalf of the other person, as well as physical care.
"We know lots of carers care for more than one person. They are often stretched across multiple people."
Ms Reid says the caring load takes its toll.
"We often hear from carers that they are placing themselves last. Their own well-being is compromised, including physical and mental health."
Aside from competing demands such as work and family, Ms Reid says major barriers to carers include not being connected to support services and navigating complex systems.
"I don't know anyone who has had to do [a] My Aged Care application or NDIS application that hasn't found it really hard.
Ms Reid says she "feels particularly" for carers in rural, remote and even regional areas.
"The logistics shouldn't be overlooked. They can be big and difficult to manage."
Feelings of guilt while caring for an aging parent can arise for many reasons, explains Elisabeth Shaw, CEO at Relationships NSW.
"There can be guilt for intruding, and maybe not knowing how to get [the caring] right.
"Also, the guilt of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, or dropping the ball here and there, just because the next generation is caught up with their own lives as well.
"You're not as free to devote yourself to your parent, perhaps as much as you'd like to.
"Of course, there are also people who don't want to devote themselves, and they can also feel guilty around that."
Ms Shaw says for those who would like to do more but can't, "let that be fuel to make a good decision".
"Own where you are up to, and once you have owned it, have an effective plan B. Sometimes by resolving that, you are freed up to take more part in the situation."
Ms Reid says carers will feel more supported when they start to recognise themselves as carers.
"Most carers consider themselves a sister, or brother, or daughter.
"If you are a carer, there are supports out there for you. I encourage them to visit Carers Australia and connect with their local carers organisation, which offer a lot of supports like counselling and peer groups."
She also suggests people build up their own local support networks.
"If someone can help you with just the smallest of tasks … like picking up some groceries … that can just give you the small breather you need to get through."
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ABC News
an hour ago
- ABC News
Rooming houses frustrate some Victorians who want more say on developments
Henry Crawford loves the sense of community in his residential Wodonga street, which hosts a collection of modern units alongside older, red brick and weatherboard homes. But there is a new type of development on the block. A rooming house — where four or more people can live in up to nine rented rooms — was built on the street earlier this year. And Mr Crawford said residents were worried another unit in the street would be converted into a rooming house. "There is a need for some of this accommodation, but we just think it shouldn't be concentrated in one area," he said. Mr Crawford is among hundreds of regional residents petitioning for ratepayers and councils to have a greater say around the development, limitations and density of rooming houses. The rooming house development in Wodonga was built after Wodonga Council last year refused a planning permit for a five-dwelling, five-lot subdivision on the site due to concerns about street amenity, private open space objectives, and car parking requirements. In Victoria, rooming houses can be built in a range of development zones without a permit if it does not exceed nine bedrooms and 12 residents. The total floor area of all buildings on the land must not exceed 300 square metres, excluding outbuildings, and bedrooms can only be accessed from within the building. There are also requirements for garden areas and shared facilities. Rooming house operators must apply for and be granted a licence before they can start operating. Rooming houses differ from a share house or rental property because individual residents usually have separate agreements with the rooming house operator to rent a room. Different rules around rent increases, repairs, minimum standards, inspections, and notices to vacate also apply. There are more than 1,700 rooming houses registered with Consumer Affairs Victoria. Peter Mortimer lives in a residential court in the Gippsland town of Churchill, where there are three rooming houses within 50 metres of each other. "I am absolutely gutted that you can't have any say whatsoever," he said. Mr Mortimer said he had concerns about the large number of potential residents and increased traffic, as the road was narrow, and about its impact on the quiet nature of the street. He has complained to the local council and Consumer Affairs Victoria. Victorian-based developer Stone Horizon focuses exclusively on designing, building and managing rooming houses in the state, and plans to build around 15 this year alone. Managing director Henry Vila said the company worked mainly with "mum and dad investors", and had strong tenancy demand from young professionals and older divorced or widowed women. He said the company chose Victoria because the state offered unique legislation and lacked individual local government interference, which made delivering up to nine rentable rooms easier and allowed for better quality dwellings. "One of the great things about the way we do these properties in Victoria in particular is that we have a very consistent, very stringent set of rules … at the state level," Mr Vila said. "No matter where in Victoria we want to do these properties, the rules are the same, and those rules have evolved." Mr Vila said he was aware of community concerns. He argued there was a need to remove rooming house stigma, which he believed had partly been driven by previous unscrupulous developers providing poor-quality accommodation and unreasonably high tenant numbers. "I think we are going to continue evolving rooming houses to provide a higher and higher quality product as people get more and more used to living in small spaces," Mr Vila said. The Victorian government said appropriate and affordable rooming houses played an important role in improving social inclusion, mobility, and access to jobs for vulnerable residents. Victorian councils have raised concerns about the planning framework for rooming houses, particularly in relation to their concentration in certain areas and the limitations of their planning powers. The Municipal Association of Victoria (MAV) supports reforms that would introduce a requirement for planning approval for rooming houses located within 200 metres of an existing facility, along with public consultation. "This would enable a more transparent and coordinated approach to integrating rooming houses into communities, while maintaining appropriate safeguards," MAV president Jennifer Anderson said. Rooming houses must be registered with local councils, and councils can inspect the premises to ensure health and wellbeing compliance.
SBS Australia
2 hours ago
- SBS Australia
#92 Asking for donations (Med)
spk_0 Well, if you ask me, learning English helps me to help others. spk_1 SPS acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of Country and their connections and continuous care for the skies, lands and waterways throughout Australia. Josipa Hi, my name is Josipa. Josipa And I made a promise to my friend that I'd help her raise money for a charity that supports homeless families. Josipa A charity is a group that helps people in need. Josipa So I signed up to do a charity run of 10 kilometres because I really believe in what this charity does. A charity run is organized by a charity to raise money. People who take part in the run ask their friends and family to give money to the charity because they're taking part in it. Josipa And are likely to be very exhausted by the experience and even feel some pain. It's like, I'm suffering for this charity, so please give money to them. Josipa Now, I am not a runner. I'm more of a sit down and read a book kind of person. So I will be exhausted, and my feet, my feet are likely to hurt. Josipa But that's not the part I'm worried about. Josipa The hard part, asking people for money. Like, how do you even say it? Hey, would you like to give me money? Nope. That feels weird, too direct, too uncomfortable. It is difficult to ask people to donate. That is, to give something like money, clothes, food, or time to help others. So I started thinking. Josipa There must be a better way to ask, a more polite way, a more English way, and there is. Josipa Allan and Claire showed me in this dialogue that there are some polite and friendly ways to ask for a donation without sounding pushy or awkward. A donation is whatever you give to a charity. You don't get anything for it. You give because you want to help. Now let's listen to Alan and Claire at work. Allan Hey Claire, do you have a minute? Sure, what's up? I'm running a charity cake stall this Friday to raise money for a children's hospital. It's part of the community fundraiser I've joined. Would you be open to making a small donation? Claire Oh, that sounds lovely, Alan, but I've already donated to another charity appeal this week. Sorry. Allan Totally understand, no pressure at all. But if you've got a coin or two to spare, it'll go straight to a good cause. Allan Every bit counts and hey, I'll save you the best cupcake. Claire Alright, you got me. I can't say no to a cupcake. Josipa Alan is organizing a charity cake stall. That's when people bake cakes and muffins, sell them, and give the money to a charity. Josipa Alan is really altruistic. That means he helps others just to do something good, not to get anything back. Hmm. To be completely honest, I'm not sure I'm doing my charity because I'm altruistic. I want to help, yes, but the real reason is it makes me feel good about myself, and that's OK, right? Doing good and feeling good can go together. Josipa Now, let's do some good for our English and learn the phrases from the dialogue. Let's listen again to how Alan asked Claire for a donation. Allan I'm running a charity cake stall this Friday to raise money for a children's hospital. It's part of a community fundraiser I've joined. Allan Would you be open to making a small donation Josipa Before asking for money, Alan explained what the fundraiser was for by saying, Allan I'm running a charity cake stall this Friday to raise money for a children's hospital. Josipa If you are running something, it means you're organizing it, looking after it, or making sure it happens. Josipa Alan is running a charity cake stall, but you can run other things too. For example, if you are running a business, that means you are managing or owning it. Josipa Allan then said, Allan It's part of a community fundraiser I've joined. Josipa A fundraiser is an event or activity that helps collect money to help others, and the community fundraiser is when people in a neighbourhood, school, or local group work together to raise money for something important. Josipa After saying what the money is for, the reason for the fundraiser. Josipa Alan asked Claire. Allan Would you be open to making a small donation? Josipa This is a polite way not to direct or pushy, to ask someone if they're willing to give a little money to help. Would you be open to? It's the same as saying, are you OK with, or would you say yes to? Josipa And making a small donation means giving a small amount to help. Josipa For example, I often make a small donation by giving away clothes that I don't need. I hope that my donations make life a little easier for someone in need. Josipa Now let's hear a few more ways in which we can ask for donations. Claire I've got a little fundraiser going. Any chance you'd like to help? Allan Would you be happy to support this cause? Josipa Any help you can give would mean a lot. Josipa Claire initially said she couldn't donate to Alan's charity, she said. Claire I've already donated to another charity appeal this week. Sorry! Josipa A charity appeal is when a charity asks people to give money or help. They may ask for people's donation in a letter, online, on TV, on the radio, or like Alan did in person. Josipa It's called an appeal because the charity is asking for support. Josipa Allan then said, Allan Totally understand. No pressure at all. But if you've got a coin or two to spare, it'll go straight to a good cause. Every bit counts, and hey, I'll save you the best cupcake. Josipa Notice how Alan showed that he understood Claire's response, but then he tried one more time. Allan But if you've got a coin or two to spare, it'll go straight to a good cause. Josipa That's another good phrase we could use when asking for donations. When we ask someone for a coin or two, we are asking for a small amount of money. We also often use the phrase a gold coin donation. Josipa This means that you don't have to give a large amount like a $5 or $10 note. Josipa And to spare means extra. So if you have some money to spare, that means that you can give, donate a little without causing any problems. Allan said the money he is raising will go straight to a good cause. Josipa A good cause is a project or group that helps people or animals who need support, like a charity or community group. For me, running 10 kilometres will be hard, but, but I believe it will be worth it to support a good cause. Alan also said. Allan Every bit counts. Josipa This means that even a small amount is helpful. Josipa You could also say, Claire A little help goes a long way. Josipa Or if you want to sound more formal, you could say. Allan We appreciate any support you can give. Josipa You know what? After hearing all the great examples Allan and Claire shared in this episode, I feel ready to help my friend make a difference. So why don't you listen to their dialogue one more time while I make some phone calls to ask for donations for my friend's charity appeal. Allan Hey Claire, do you have a minute? Sure, what's up? I'm running a charity cake stall this Friday to raise money for a children's hospital. It's part of the community fundraiser I've joined. Would you be open to making a small donation? Claire Oh, that sounds lovely, Alan, but I've already donated to another charity appeal this week. Sorry. Allan Totally understand, no pressure at all. But if you've got a coin or two to spare, it'll go straight to a good cause. Allan Every bit counts and hey, I'll save you the best cupcake. Claire Alright, you got me. I can't say no to a cupcake. Josipa Hello. We're from SBS. Learn English. I'm. So I got up early, got in my car, and now I'm at Immigrant Women's Speak Out organization in a company of Sunila Kotwal, who is executive officer and works with other women who dedicate all their time to help other women. Josipa Hello, Sunila, how are you? Sunila I'm good, thank you. Josipa Why are your services so important for women who need help? Sunila OK. Immigrant Women Speak Out Association of New South Wales, that's a proper name, has been working to support women experiencing domestic family and sexual violence. Our services exist because we are a specialized service for migrant and refugee women. Sunila Unfortunately, mainstream services don't always work for migrant women, especially for those on temporary visas. Sunila Many of the women who come to us have never asked for help before. Some didn't even know that they could. Sunila They've come from places where services are limited and women are silent. So when they come through our doors, we know that it has taken them a lot to get there. Josipa And what kind of help do you give to women who are leaving family violence or have no safe place to live? Sunila Years ago when women visiting us to seek support, they begged to sleep at our office just to stay safe. That's when we knew that we had to do more. So we opened our own crisis accommodation in 2016, a shelter specifically for migrant women on temporary visas. Sunila We now run 2 crisis accommodations, accommodating 12 single women at any time. Sunila Each woman can stay for up to 6 months while we support them through every step of rebuilding their lives. We provide culturally appropriate support from a caseworker, a counselor. Sunila We provide them groceries, food vouchers, transport cards, and emotional support. We run programs to improve their mental and physical health, such as self-care, gardening, self-defense, and more. Sunila We help women find jobs, help them write resumes, prepare for interviews, and accompany them to the interviews. Sunila We also offer practical skills building in areas like baking, sewing, and alteration to help women earn an income, regardless of their English level. Josipa You also help them with English, don't you? Sunila We do. We run English conversation classes and we also run basic computer classes where we get them email addresses and help them understand what the government emails are asking from them. Can you tell us how can someone in a very practical, concrete way help your organization? What can we do? Sunila There are 2 key ways to support us financially and practically. Financial donations, both one time and ongoing, are essential to keep our services running. Sunila On the practical side, we welcome volunteers to help run our programs. That might mean teaching English, basic computer skills, helping in our garden, or helping us organize one of our 5 annual women's picnics. Josipa And if one wants to join you, try to become a volunteer in your organization where they can find information. Sunila We have a website All the information about the volunteers is available there. Josipa Thank you, Sunila for this interview. Josipa Let's now practice different ways we can ask for donations. Just repeat after Alan and Claire. Claire Would you be open to making a small donation? Allan We appreciate any support you can give. Claire Any help you can give would mean a lot. Allan If you've got a coin or two to spare, it'll go straight to a good cause. Josipa If you'd like to practice your speaking skills, and I really recommend it, listen to our bonus episode. It's short, fun, and great for speaking practice. Practicing out loud really helped me. It gave me confidence to speak to people in English. Josipa You can also check out our socials, Facebook, Instagram and YouTube for more tips and fun language learning videos. Just search for SBS Learn English. I'm Josipa. Thank you for learning English with me today. END OF TRANSCRIPT
ABC News
3 hours ago
- ABC News
Palestinian-Australian principal takes six months' stress leave after more than 100 family members die in Gaza
In his lush Gold Coast backyard, Sami Muamar is haunted by a nightmare that's set a world away in Gaza. In a recurring dream, he's safe in Australia while his sister and extended family are drowning in hellfire. "It is literally hell. Hell, because they live in a tent, there is no clean water, and in the tent, it's hot, they can't even have air," said Mr Muamar, the principal at one of Australia's largest Islamic schools on the south side of Brisbane. Every time he picks up his phone, he receives reminders that his family back home is living on a cup of lentils a day — if they're lucky — and he dreams of being able to rescue them. "It's just a nightmare and it's not for one week, two weeks, three weeks. It is for almost two years," he said. Mr Muamar has tried unsuccessfully to secure his sister a visa to join him in Australia and while he sends money overseas, he's wracked with guilt and helplessness that he's not doing more. "When I look at the group chat, I think of my sister, and I can show you her photos, I talked to her the other day, she's skin and bone from hunger, there's no food," Mr Muamar said. "I said, 'What do you eat?' And she started crying." Mr Muamar said he stopped counting the numbers of his extended family who have been killed in the conflict when the total reached 130. He provided the ABC with names for 112 relatives and said all but one had been killed in air strikes. The ABC was able to verify that 103 of those names are listed on a Gaza Ministry of Health database, which contains the names of 58,380 people reportedly killed during the conflict. The database comes with the disclaimer it does not include all of those to die in the conflict. A devout Muslim, Mr Muamar is comforted by his belief that his dead relatives are being cared for in the afterlife, but that's no solace for the living. "The loss is not only for my family, it is for every single family actually. I know people in Brisbane that lost similar numbers to us." Mr Muamar left the Gaza strip in 2002 and said he had no "real connection" with some of his lost relatives. Others, like his cousin Tamim Abu Muammar, he's known since birth and their deaths cut to the bone. Tamim Muammar, his wife and three daughters were reportedly killed in an Israeli air strike while his two young sons survived. "He's the one I grew up with, we played together when we were children, we [went] to school together and he was a really good man," Mr Muamar said. "It hit me so much when I lost him, it's just really difficult to think of him, his wife, his kids, they are like five years old." Another cousin, Salih Mahmood Muamar, was among 14 paramedics killed and buried in a mass grave in March. An Israeli investigation led to the sacking of a deputy commander and a report detailing "professional failures". For Mr Muamar and many others in Australia, these deaths are observed in real time on family group chats. Two weeks ago, he received blow-by-blow updates about his nephew Ahmed Mahmoud Muamar, also a teacher, who was buried under rubble after leaving his tent to seek food. "My nephew … went to go get a kilo or two kilos of flour from the Israeli-American humanitarian station, they call it, and while he was going home — he did not get anything — he is shelled with the rockets," Mr Muamar said. "Luckily he managed to get out of the rubble after six or seven hours, they got him out. He lost two of his kneecaps, two broken legs, lots of bruises." He said that final sleepless night waiting for an update was, "the straw that broke the camel's back". After 22 months of war, Mr Muamar is exhausted and has reluctantly stepped down as principal to restore his mental health after struggling to sleep and focus. He wants the wider community to know other Palestinian Australians are suffering and is speaking up because the current war seems interminable. "What has been happening is literally a genocide. It is an ethnic cleansing," Mr Muamar said. "At the beginning I understand the reaction of Israel, I understand it's a normal revenge." Israel has denied allegations of genocide and ethnic cleansing. An estimated 50 Israeli hostages remain in Gaza, fewer than half of whom are believed to be alive, kidnapped in the Hamas attack on October 7, 2023, that started the war. Dr Mohamed Mustafa is a Palestinian Australian and one of the few people in Australia who has seen the destruction inside Gaza. The trainee doctor just returned from the second of two visits since the start of the war volunteering as an emergency doctor. "You're working in a concentration camp, no food, no water, no electricity. You're not allowed to bring in medical supplies with you, 2,000-pound bombs are going off hundreds of metres away from you," Dr Mustafa said. Dr Mustafa also has a wife in Gaza and knows the pain of searching for updates on loved ones. "We have times where the communication goes down for three days and you just look at the news and you see where the bombs drop," Dr Mustafa said. "To watch it unfold in real time, to watch it live-streamed on our phones, I don't think anyone has been in this unique position to watch the destruction of their families and their homes … it makes it very hard to be a Palestinian." Dr Mustafa said his community feels dehumanised by their representation in the media. Back at the Islamic College of Brisbane, CEO Dr Ali Kadri supports Mr Muamar's decision, even though the school starts term three without its principal. Mr Kadri is a leader in his community who turned down an approach to be the federal government's Islamophobia envoy. He said it was an important time to recognise the suffering in parts of the Australian community. He said the most important thing people can do now is empathise. Back at Mr Muamar's house, he's retreated to his garden and is hoping he'll find some peace. "When you plant a seed and you see it coming back it gives you hope of life," Mr Muamar said. "What I've seen of Gaza, it's destructive. I have hope of planting a seed and making something new. It makes you think there is hope for coexistence."
