I'm barely having sex with my husband and he's deleting texts from female ‘friend'

Scottish Sun

a day ago

Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window)
Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband insists he's 'just friends' with a woman he sees on nights out, so why has he deleted every trace of their chats?
I'm 34, my husband's 39, and we have been married for five years.
Lately, something's felt off. We barely have sex and when I try to talk about it, he shuts down or says he's tired and stressed about work.
But I know him and I don't think he's being honest.
He goes out drinking with his mates every couple of weeks, which is fine but, a few weeks ago, I noticed a message flash up on his phone while we were watching TV.
It was from a woman I know he encounters when he's out.
She's single and has a bit of a reputation. She's known for being flirty and has been involved with married men before.
When I asked to see his phone, he said they were 'just friendly', but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to it than what he was letting on.
That night, while he was asleep, I couldn't help myself from looking through his phone and found that every message between them had been deleted.
My heart immediately sank. If it was all innocent, why wipe the evidence?
Now, I feel sick with suspicion.
The intimacy between us has all but disappeared and this secrecy feels like a betrayal.
Understanding the impact of ghosting
He says I'm paranoid but my gut keeps telling me otherwise.
I don't want to blow up our marriage over a hunch, but I also can't ignore the nagging feeling that I'm being played for a fool.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's understandable you're feeling unsettled, secrecy often erodes trust even if nothing physical has happened.
Deleting messages suggests your husband knew you'd be upset which is why he's now downplaying it.
Whether or not he's cheated, your instincts are picking up on emotional distance and a breakdown in intimacy.
Rather than focusing just on the issue with this woman, try to have an open conversation about how disconnected you feel and what you both want from the relationship moving forward.
Frame it around rebuilding closeness and trust, not just blame.
It may help you both to seek support from a couples' counsellor.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975), who offer advice and guidance.
My support pack Relationship MOT will help you work things through.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [e-mail]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
MY SON AND GRANDSON HOMELESS AFTER ABUSE
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEEL helpless watching my son and grandson suffer after they fled my daughter-in-law's abuse and became homeless.
I'm 66, and my son is 34. For years, I watched his wife control and belittle him. She would scream at him in public, throw things, and even threaten to hurt herself if he stood up to her.
I always worried for their little boy, who is just seven, but my son was terrified that if he left he'd lose custody.
It finally reached breaking point after she attacked him during an argument.
He grabbed their son and left but when he tried to report her, the police claimed there wasn't enough evidence and she's still in the family home.
They're now sofa-surfing between friends. My son's broken and my grandson is confused and upset.
I want to help, as any dad would, but I'm not sure how to get them the support they need. Where do we turn?
DEIDRE SAYS: Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, and they both deserve protection and support.
He can contact mensadviceline.org.uk (0808 801 0327) or nspcc.org.uk (0808 800 5000) for confidential advice and practical help.
Your son should also speak to a solicitor about his legal rights regarding custody and housing.
My support pack, Protecting Kids From Abuse, will help you understand what steps can be taken to safeguard your grandson and support your son.
SCARED OF GOING AWAY ON HOLIDAY
DEAR DEIDRE: FEAR of flying is spoiling a planned trip to see my friend in Spain this summer. I asked my GP for something to help me stay calm during the flight, but he made me feel as though I was wasting his time.
I am a 31-year-old single mum. I wanted my nine-year-old daughter to have a holiday this summer, so I went ahead and booked our flights.
She is so excited, and I don't want to let her down. I saw my GP a few days later, but he made me feel like I was worrying about nothing.
He gave me some pills and told me never to come to him again with something so trivial. He also suggested I go on a fear-of-flying course, but I don't think that would help me, as it's not the actual flying so much as the fear of crashing.
Do you have any advice on how to control my fear?
DEIDRE SAYS: Fear of flying is a surprisingly common problem and it's such a shame as it can make going on holiday a huge ordeal. My support pack Fears And Phobias outlines self-help steps.
A fear-of-flying course would help you overcome your worries about crashing, so you could put these concerns to rest.
That way, you and your daughter can enjoy holidays together in the future.
And next time you have to see a doctor, ask for a different one who will be more sympathetic.
Have a good flight!
LOST AND LONELY IN RETIREMENT
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I retired, I thought it would be a fresh chapter for me but I feel invisible and completely adrift.
I thought I'd enjoy the slower pace and freedom, but I'm growing tired and bored. I'm 67 and retired just under a year ago.
At first, I was so excited. I took up walking, joined the local gym and even tried volunteering at a community garden.
I was so ready to make the most of all my newfound free time but as the months have passed, my days have grown to feel long and lonely.
Most of my friends are either wrapped up with their wives or live miles away. The few I do see, seem content in a way I'm not. I lost my wife ten years ago, and while I've managed on my own, I always hoped I'd meet someone new one day.
But dating at my age feels impossible. I don't want to be on apps and even when I do meet someone nice, we never click or want the same things.
I'm not after wild romance or anything complicated – just someone to chat to over tea, maybe go to the cinema with. But I don't know where to start.
I try to stay upbeat and grateful but deep down, I feel a little lost.
DEIDRE SAYS: Many people find retirement lonelier than expected, especially if they're single and used to a busy work life. It's not unusual to feel a bit adrift when your routines and social circles shift.
You're doing all the right things by keeping active and trying new hobbies but real connection can take time. Keep going with the groups you've joined and perhaps look for events for over-60s – whether that's community lunches, walking clubs, or singles' socials.
Try not to let disappointment knock your confidence. My support packs Widening Your Social Scene and Fifty Plus will help you navigate this transition.