My partner admitted to sleeping with a colleague after I threatened him with lie detector test

Scottish Sun

15-07-2025

DEAR DEIDRE: THREATENING my partner with a lie-detector test finally made him admit to sleeping with a colleague.
A woman messaged me a month ago saying my boyfriend had been cheating — but he flatly denied it, insisting she was an attention-seeker.
I pressed him, asking why he'd been so secretive with his phone and why he kept disappearing for hours at a time. He told me I was being paranoid.
I am 37 and my partner is 39. We have been together for 12 years and have two children, aged seven and five. We are supposed to be getting married next year.
Because of his shady behaviour, I knew he was lying.
I went to my phone to ask this woman if she had any evidence, but he had blocked her.
Why would he do that if he had nothing to hide?
That's when I started saying we couldn't go on unless he took a lie-detector test.
Finally, the truth started to come out — she'd chased him, complimenting his physique, offering to help him load and unload his work van.
Eventually, he gave in and slept with her twice — once after a work party and the second time was in his van after work.
He can't explain why he did it. He just says it was a stupid mistake. He told me I need to move on, but he has lied for so long.
I don't want this to break up our family, but I can't stop thinking about him and this woman. I still feel like he is lying. How do I get past this?
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
DEIDRE SAYS: People do cheat, even on partners they love deeply, for a variety of reasons.
There are clearly lots of problems in your relationship that need sorting. Talk to your partner and explain that because he isn't telling the truth, it's impossible to move on and rebuild what you shared.
You need to decide whether things can be mended between you or if you should cancel your wedding.
Either way, you would be wise to halt all marriage plans until you have clarity. Otherwise, I'm afraid you are both destined for a future of unhappiness.
Think about having relationship counselling, even if just for yourself, to help you process the pain and decide your next steps.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975). My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will help you think things over, too.
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DREAMING OF EX HAS LEFT ME SO CONFUSED
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex has been popping up in my dreams over the last few weeks. It's weird, because I never think about her during my waking hours.
I am a 25-year-old single man and split up with this woman almost a year ago.
We had been together for two mostly happy years.
The dreams range from being in a relationship together, as if we had never broken up, to her coming back.
The first time it happened I woke up feeling surprised and confused. We ended very badly, which I regret.
We both seemed to just vanish from each other's lives. I never see her – even though we live in the same town.
I have moved on, taken up new interests and met new people. I feel very happy in myself.
Life is going well for me, so I don't understand why I am thinking about her.
I keep wondering if this is a sign that something will happen between us in the future. The dreams feel so real.
DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to read too much into this. Dreams about exes are common and normal. Single people and those in relationships have them.
It may be that yours reveal unresolved feelings about a situation. You might not have come to terms with the relationship ending the way it did.
We can't control our dreams. Some we would like to stay in, while others we would rather avoid.
PARTNER HAS GOT A TOXIC TEMPER
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN things are good my partner is lovely, but she has an anger issue and flies off the handle over trivial things.
She shouts and calls me horrible names. She has such a nasty temper which makes me think carefully about what I say a lot of the time.
I'm a 58-year-old man and my partner is 55. We have been together for 15 years but live apart.
I divorced my previous partner as that relationship was toxic. This one seems to be going the same way.
When I try to calm her down she shouts above me and never apologises. I don't want to walk away as I have invested so much into our relationship, but I dread her moods. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells so as not to upset her.
I am easy-going and have lots of time and patience, the opposite of her. I have spoken to her numerous times. She says she will try harder, but nothing changes.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a miserable way to live. You should consider ending the relationship unless she commits to getting expert help. Tell her you have had enough.
The way she behaves might be down to her past. She may never have been taught how to deal with difficult situations
She won't find it easy to change, but you don't have to accept it. My support pack Managing Anger explains more.
WHEN WILL I BE HIS GIRLFRIEND?
DEAR DEIDRE: EXACTLY when does a relationship become official? The reason I ask is because the guy I have been dating for the last three months hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet.
I am 24 and he is 27. This is my first proper go at being with someone. We talk every day, go on regular dates, and have met each other's parents.
We have been away together and I even lost my virginity to him.
He was so lovely and made me feel very comfortable. I really want to be his girlfriend, but he hasn't asked me yet.
When I asked why he hadn't asked me he said he wanted to wait until the 'honeymoon period' was over to decide whether we could have a future.
I struggle with anxiety, so I am really scared of being hurt. I have wanted to be in a relationship for so long and I want things to work out but I'm terrified. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him.
My best friend is seeing someone, but I can't help but compare our relationships.
It really puts doubts in my mind when she asks why we aren't official.
DEIDRE SAYS: While there is no set rule or exact number of dates, one to three months is often the time period when couples decide to become official.
Generally, milestones such as consistent dating and being introduced to friends and family are an indication of the strength of your connection and comfort levels and are more important than a specific timeline. Don't compare yourself to your friend.
Your boyfriend says he's looking for a deeper connection beyond the initial excitement.
Talk to him about wanting to wait and share your own feelings and expectations for the relationship. The way forward is open communication.