My girlfriend is being secretive and we're barely having sex – is she cheating with a man?

Scottish Sun

5 hours ago

Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window)
Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT my girlfriend and I were finally back on track, but now I can't shake the feeling she is hiding something from me.
The last thing I want to do is accuse her of cheating, but this all feels too familiar.
We're both women. She's 35, I'm 32, and we've been together for almost three years. She's bisexual.
I love her deeply, but lately I've started to feel completely shut out.
She has become secretive with her phone, taking it everywhere with her, even into the shower. She used to leave it lying around, but now she jumps if I so much as glance at it.
I've tried my best not to get ahead of myself, but it's becoming imposs­ible to ignore, especially considering that it's not the first time.
A year ago, I discovered she had been sending flirty messages and topless photos to random men online.
She has always been open with me that she's bisexual, but still the fact she was unfaithful with men made me question our whole relationship.
She swore it was a stupid mistake and blamed her low self-esteem.
She promised she would never cross that line again. I forgave her because I believed in what we had.
But now the secrecy is creeping back in. She's emotionally distant, we barely have sex, and I feel I'm walking on eggshells in my own home.
I don't want to be a jealous girlfriend who accuses her without proof, but I can't ignore the dread in my gut. Am I being paranoid?
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: Your instincts are speaking loudly for a reason. You've been hurt once, and it's understandable that the secrecy and emotional distance are triggering your fears again.
You're not being unreasonable for wanting clarity in your relationship. Everyone deserves honesty and emotional safety, especially after rebuilding trust following betrayal.
Rather than accuse, try to calmly express how her behaviour is affecting you. Keep the focus on your feelings rather than her actions, to prevent her from becoming defensive.
If she wants the relationship to work, she'll hear you out and willingly reassure you. But if the same patterns keep repeating, you might need to reflect on whether this relationship is good for you.
Talking to a relationship counsellor could also help you explore what you need next, whatever the outcome.
Contact Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 003 2972) for support.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [e-mail]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
CAN'T GO OUT WITH PALS SINCE MUM PASSED ON
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE losing my mum, grief has swallowed me whole, and I don't know how to find my way through.
I'm 27, and my mother died unexpectedly six months ago.
She was only 58 and she was fit, healthy, and full of life. But she had a heart attack in her sleep.
Her loss shook me to my core. She was the most important person in my life and we were more like best friends than mother and daughter.
Since then, I've become a recluse. I avoid friends, cancel plans, and make excuses not to go to birthdays or dinners.
I can't pretend to be OK. The thought of small talk or laughter feels exhausting.
Some of my friends have pulled back. Others try to help but say things like: 'She wouldn't want you to be sad,' which just makes me feel worse.
I want to feel like myself again, but I have no idea where to begin.
DEIDRE SAYS: Grieving someone so important to you takes time and there's no 'right' way to heal.
It's natural to withdraw when the pain feels overwhelming, but isolation can make it hard to find your footing again.
Sharing how you feel with trusted friends or a grief counsellor can help.
Contact Cruse Bereavement Support (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677) for free, confidential support.
And reading my pack, Coping With Bereavement, should help, too.
STALKER CLAIM DESTROYED ME
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM in pieces after being wrongfully arrested for stalking a woman I went on a single date with.
I'm 44, she's 39, and we matched on an online dating app and chatted for a few weeks. She seemed warm, clever, and funny – exactly my type.
By the time we met in person, I was so nervous I had a few drinks beforehand to calm myself down. Then a few more on the date.
I got too drunk, talked too much, and probably came off as pushy. The next day she blocked me and I felt awful. I didn't try to contact her again.
About a week later, I bumped into her at the train station. We live in the same town, so it wasn't that much of a coincidence, but I could tell she was uncomfortable.
I felt terrible and avoided eye contact. Then, weeks later, I saw her at a pub. I didn't even speak to her, I just left early.
But the next morning, police knocked at my door. She had accused me of stalking her. I was arrested, held overnight, and questioned.
The case was dropped for lack of evidence, but I've been a wreck ever since.
I can't sleep. I'm ­paranoid in public. I feel broken. How do I move on?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have been through a traumatic and deeply unsettling experience, and it's no wonder you're feeling low.
What happened on your date may have been awkward, but it doesn't make you a bad person, just human.
Being wrongly accused and arrested can shake your sense of safety and identity, especially when it stems from a genuine misunderstanding.
While the charges were dropped, an emotional toll will remain, and you deserve support.
Speaking to someone about these feelings could help you process the shame and anxiety you're carrying.
Contact Mind (mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393), which offers mental health support.
TOO LATE TO MEND RIFT WITH MY GIRL?
DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S tearing me apart that I am estranged from my daughter.
I'm 58, she's 30, and we haven't spoken in two years.
Our relationship has always been difficult. After she was born, I suffered badly with postnatal depression and struggled to bond with her.
I fed and cared for her, but emotionally I felt numb. I think she sensed that as a child.
As she grew up, she always had it in her head that I favoured her younger brother. He was easier, less emotional, but I never loved her any less.
I know she felt second best.
The final straw came when I didn't attend her engagement party. I was unwell, but she saw it as another rejection.
Since then, she's cut me off.
I've written, called, and messaged, but nothing.
I just want the chance to explain and show her I've always loved her.
Is it too late to heal things?
DEIDRE SAYS: You're carrying a heavy burden, and it's clear your love for your daughter has never faded.
Postnatal depression can have long-lasting effects, and it's not your fault you struggled to bond in those early years.
What matters now is your willingness to take responsibility and reach out.
Keep the door open with gentle, non-pressuring messages – a birthday card, a short letter.
Rebuilding trust takes time when there's long-held pain.
You can't force forgiveness, but with patience and honesty, she may well come around.