I've lost my family because I cheated on my wife instead of sorting out our problems

Scottish Sun

19 hours ago

I was under a lot of work stress, and took it out on my wife
DEAR DEIDRE I've lost my family because I cheated on my wife instead of sorting out our problems
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DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE lost my family and the chance of a happy future with the love of my life because of my stupidity.
I cheated on my wife instead of sorting out our problems, and the woman I left her for dumped me because I didn't want kids with her.
The harsh truth is, I've messed up everything and I have nobody to blame but myself.
I'm an idiot and a coward, and don't know how to get my life back on track.
I'm 47 and was married for 15 years. We had two daughters.
But five years ago, our marriage went through a rocky patch. I was under a lot of stress at work and took it out on my wife.
Instead of talking to her, I shut her out. When a work colleague ten years younger than me showed interest, I jumped into bed with her.
My wife discovered our affair and kicked me out. My girlfriend took me in.
But I didn't treat her as well as I should have done. Instead of learning from my past mistakes, I again failed to communicate properly.
And when she said she wanted to have children with me, I said 'no way' and refused to discuss it.
I was still reeling from the loss of being a full-time dad to my daughters. My girlfriend said she couldn't wait to be a mum, as she was heading for 40.
She didn't have time to waste, so broke up with me.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
It was only then that I realised how much I loved her and that I did want kids with her.
But it was too late. She'd moved on and started dating someone else.
I still think about her all the time and want to contact her.
I don't know how to move on.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're learning from your mistakes, and that is the first step in moving on.
Contacting your ex, who now has another partner, is looking backward rather than forward, and this won't help you – especially if she responds negatively.
Your feelings for her will fade in time.
Instead, look to rebuild your life and make positive changes for the future.
Be the best dad you can to your daughters.
Try to form a new relationship, and don't repeat the same mistakes this time.
Speaking to a counsellor could also be of help to you.
See my support pack, Moving On, for more advice.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [e-mail]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
HAUNTED BY LOVER WHO LEFT WITH NO EXPLANATION
DEAR DEIDRE: MANY years after the love of my life left me, I still can't move on. I can't even go to the area where she lives in case I bump into her.
I don't want her back but I do want to be able to stop thinking about her.
I'm 64 and was with her for 20 years.
Our relationship was wonderful and other people said we were the perfect couple.
But after her 40th birthday, things changed and she stopped being affectionate. One day, I came home from work to find a note saying she'd left.
I was blindsided and devastated. That was 12 years ago. Since then, although I've had a few girlfriends, I've never found love again. I just can't let her go. She's always on my mind and her spectre follows me around.
Birthdays and anniversaries are especially hard. How can I get her out of my system once and for all?
DEIDRE SAYS: The way your ex left you was shocking. Although there were signs she wasn't happy, she never talked to you. As a result, you didn't get closure and still can't move forward.
Sometimes, we have to find closure elsewhere. It would help you greatly to talk to a counsellor.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, tells you how this process works. Also read my support pack Moving On.
On significant dates, make sure you have an activity planned, so you're not focusing on your ex.
SO MANY EXCUSES NOT TO COMMIT
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M dying to make our relationship official, but the guy I'm seeing won't ask me to be his girlfriend.
He says he wants to wait until 'the honeymoon period is over', which doesn't ring true to me.
I'm starting to doubt whether he really likes me. I feel so insecure. We're both in our mid-twenties and have been dating for four months. I have begun to fall for him.
When I asked him why we aren't official yet, he said it was because he's rushed into relationships in the past, and then it's gone horribly wrong.
He says he wants to make sure we're right for each other first. That all sounds logical but I don't fully believe him.
He can be kind and affectionate, but often makes excuses for why we can't meet and sometimes drops me for his friends.
He says he likes me and sees a future for us, but I feel really anxious.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whatever his reason – he may be scared of getting hurt so is keeping you at arm's length – he's not ready to be official yet and, unfortunately, you can't force him to change.
What's important is that you're feeling unhappy and insecure. Perhaps you need to set yourself a time limit. If things haven't changed by then, and you're still not secure, then walk away.
My support pack, Learning About Relationships, may be helpful to read.
SICK OF PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is still allowing his ex to run his life. He doesn't seem to be able to say no to her ever, and I'm sick of being second best.
He's been separated from his ex-wife for nine years, and yet he still won't divorce her, even though he says he loves me.
If we have a row, he goes running back to her for advice. What should I do?
I'm 38 and he's 49. We've been together for eight years but don't live together.
Years before we met, he was married to a woman with whom he has two kids.
He left her for someone else (a relationship that ended quickly). Recently, he came into some money and promised to take me on holiday.
But his ex said he should treat his kids instead, and he agreed. He told me our trip was off.
He pays maintenance for his kids already, and I don't resent that – it's the right thing to do.
But he also gives his ex extra all the time, and that's not fair when it means I lose out.
I'm not worried he's still in love with her, or that he's cheating on me, but I do feel she comes first. It's making me very unhappy and we're having lots of rows. Am I wrong to feel like this?
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not in the wrong to want your long-term partner to put you first.
It sounds like his ex still has a hold over him and perhaps he feels guilty about the end of their relationship. But that's not an excuse to make you feel second best.
Try talking to him again and telling him how you feel. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this without making him defensive.
It might also help you both to talk to a relationship counsellor. Make an appointment with tavistockrelationships.org.