Selfish sex and constant criticism drove partner into arms of another man – how do I win her back?
Now she's left me, taking our wonderful children, and I don't know how I'll ever get over her.
She was the best thing that ever happened to me. The worst thing is that I know it's all my fault because I was an absolute idiot.
We are in our early forties. We were together for 15 years and have three kids.
When we met, I knew she was too good for me in every way.
Instead of appreciating her for all her amazing qualities, I put her down at every opportunity to make myself feel better.
I criticised her cooking, never complimented her, commented negatively when she put on a few pounds, and picked stupid fights.
I was also selfish in bed, prioritising my pleasure over hers.
I felt bad when she looked upset or rejected, but I never did anything to change. A couple of years ago, she started to pull away from me. I was too stupid to notice.
Last year I discovered messages on her phone from another guy — someone she worked with. They had been talking for months and it was clear they'd met up.
I imagined her in bed with him and saw red. I confronted her, calling her all kinds of horrible names.
She denied anything physical had happened between them. But it was the beginning of the end.
Understanding open relationships
A few weeks ago, she told me she'd had enough and was taking the children to her mum's.
I begged her to stay but she said never again. I'm in bits. How can I move on from this?
DEIDRE SAYS: Insecurity and low self-esteem can make people behave cruelly.
Because you felt you didn't deserve your partner, you pushed her away – a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's good that you've recognised your behaviour contributed to your break-up.
Now in order to heal and move forward with your life, you need to work on yourself.
Talking to a counsellor would help. See my support packs, How Counselling Can Help and Raising Self-Esteem, for more information.
It's unlikely your ex will come back, but if she knows you're getting help and that you acknowledge your behaviour, in time you may be able to forge a friendship.
That's important as you will need to learn how to co-parent apart.
SHOULD I QUIT JOB TO AVOID THE SACK FOR DRINKING?
DEAR DEIDRE: I STUPIDLY drank alcohol at work when I was going through a difficult time.
Now I'm facing a disciplinary and am sure I'm going to be sacked. I feel so stressed and anxious that I'm wondering if I should hand in my notice instead.
Would that stop the disciplinary going ahead so it isn't on my record?
I'm a 34-year-old man and work for the council. I've had some problems – a break-up and money troubles. Drinking alcohol made me feel better. I'd drink a bottle of wine each night.
When work got difficult too, I started taking a flask into the office – and secretly drinking it. But I got caught and was told it was a serious breach of company policy. I tried to explain but that was not seen as sufficiently remorseful.
I know I have no future in the company, but I'd prefer to leave with dignity.
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your firm has dealt with this harshly, by ignoring your personal circumstances.
Perhaps you work in an environment where drinking puts people at risk. But it may be worth appealing to HR.
Don't do anything rash. You need to take professional advice first.
Talk to acas.org.uk (0300 123 1100) for free, independent and confidential help.
My support pack, Drink Problem?, should help with your alcohol issues.
If your workplace sees you're getting support to stop relying on alcohol, they may be more lenient.
POP STAR DREAMS MAKE ME A BIT SAD
DEAR DEIDRE: ALMOST every night I have sexy dreams about my favourite boyband singer.
Sometimes, I even orgasm in my sleep. Should I be worried? I'm a 21-year-old single woman and haven't had a boyfriend in months.
I don't think about sex that much during the day, but at night I have the most erotic dreams. It really feels like sex is happening.
When I wake up, I feel good, and then a bit guilty, like I've done something bad.
I also feel a bit sad that the dreams aren't real and we'll never be together.
I also worry that maybe I've been moaning or touching myself in my sleep.
Is this normal?
DEIDRE SAYS: Don't worry. Having sexual dreams is absolutely normal, particularly when you're young and have high levels of sex hormones.
You might have heard of 'wet dreams', when men (generally younger ones) ejaculate in their sleep.
But even though people don't generally talk about women's sexy dreams, they're very common.
Sex doesn't just happen in your body, it also happens in your brain.
You clearly have a big crush on this singer, so your dreams are reflecting that desire.
The fact you haven't had sex in a while is probably also a factor, as on an unconscious level you're craving a sexual experience.
I'M GHOSTED BY WIDOWED LOVER
DEAR DEIDRE: THE widower I've been dating went cold on me after we had sex. He claims it's nothing to do with me, but I feel so used and hurt.
Since meeting online, we've been dating for several months and getting on really well – talking daily and meeting for meals and trips to the cinema and theatre. I'm 34 and he's 39.
I knew from the start that he'd lost his wife to cancer, so I was happy to take things slowly.
I also knew he had a young son who he wanted to protect – and understood that he wasn't yet ready to tell him about me.
A few weeks ago we had a conversation where we agreed to come off dating apps and be exclusive. That weekend, his son went to stay with his gran, and we had sex for the first time. It was wonderful – so loving and intimate.
I really thought things were becoming serious.
But the next day, his messages were sporadic and brief. And he didn't call me that night.
Since then, he hasn't arranged another date.
He told me he has family issues to deal with and will be in touch. But almost two weeks later, he still hasn't contacted me. I messaged saying how I felt, and he read it but didn't reply.
I'm trying to give him space but feel so rejected. Is he just a player?
Should I give up on him?
DEIDRE SAYS: While it's possible he used you for sex, it's also likely he's feeling guilty about his late wife or son.
Perhaps he's realised he's not ready for a serious relationship, or feels he's betrayed her memory by having sex with you.
Either way, you can't wait for him for ever. Set yourself a deadline – if he hasn't contacted you by a certain date, it's time to move on.
My support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, may help you recover if things don't work out.
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The Independent
21 minutes ago
- The Independent
A-level top grades reach record high outside of Covid years
The proportion of A-level entries awarded top grades rose again this year, remaining above pre-pandemic highs, national figures show. Students in England, Wales and Northern Ireland received their exam results on Thursday, with many finding out if they would progress to university, an apprenticeship or work. More than a quarter (28.3%) of UK entries were awarded an A or A* grade, up by 0.5 percentage points on last year, when 27.8% achieved the top grades. This was higher than in 2019, the last year that summer exams were taken before the pandemic, when 25.4% of entries were awarded A or A* grades. It is the highest proportion of entries scoring top grades outside the pandemic-affected years of 2020-22, according to the figures from the Joint Council for Qualifications (JCQ) for England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Boys have outperformed girls in terms of top grades for the first time in seven years. The proportion of UK entries awarded the top A* grade this year has also risen, by 0.1 percentage points to 9.4%, compared to 9.3% in 2024, and it is higher than when it stood at 7.7% in 2019. The overall pass rate – the proportion of entries graded A* to E – has also risen to 97.5% this year, which is up on last year (97.2%) and the pre-pandemic year of 2019 (97.6%). Sir Ian Bauckham, chief regulator of Ofqual, England's exams regulator, told the PA news agency that the standard of work required to achieve grades has 'held constant' since 2023. He said any changes were because a 'smaller, smarter cohort' of students had sat their A-level exams this year compared to previous years. In an interview with PA about the A-level results, Sir Ian said: 'Students this year have got the grades they deserve, and their grade will hold its value over time because it represents a stable standard of achievement.' The Covid-19 pandemic led to an increase in top grades in 2020 and 2021, with results based on teacher assessments instead of exams. This cohort of school and college leavers received their GCSE results in 2023, the first year that grading was returned to pre-pandemic levels in England. In Wales and Northern Ireland, exam regulators returned to pre-pandemic grading in 2024, a year later than in England. The Ofqual chief said this year's cohort in England was smaller because 'fewer students met the bar' to begin A-level courses two years ago, when GCSE grading was returned to normal. Sir Ian added: 'So it is a smaller cohort and, judged in terms of GCSE attainment, it's a higher-achieving cohort than has been the case for the past few years.' The number of students accepted on to UK degree courses has risen to a record high, Ucas figures show. For 18-year-olds in the UK, 255,130 applicants have been accepted on to a university or college course – up 4.7% on last year. Overall, 82% of UK 18-year-old applicants awaiting a decision on results day secured their first choice – which was the same proportion as last year. In England, 11,909 students received their T-level results in the fourth year that the qualification has been awarded and 91.4% achieved at least a pass. The number of T-level entries has increased by 61.4% on last year, while the number of A-level entries has fallen by 0.5% compared to 2024. Overall, 28.4% of boys' A-level entries scored an A* or A this summer, compared to 28.2% of their female classmates' entries – a gap of 0.2 percentage points. The last time boys had a lead was in 2018. Last year, girls were ahead with 28.0% of entries scoring at least an A, compared to 27.6% of those from boys, the latest figures show. Students who are receiving their A-level, T-level and Level 3 vocational and technical qualification (VTQ) results were in Year 8 when schools closed because of the pandemic. 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There were 70,255 boys' entries for A-level maths this year, compared to 41,883 girls' entries – both up on 2024. Ms Duffy added: 'There are still significantly fewer girls taking A-level maths, and proportionally there are fewer girls taking the subject than in 2019.' More than 250,000 Level 3 VTQ results have also been awarded to UK students by the JCQ this year. On the increase in top A-level grades, Pepe Di'Iasio, general secretary of the Association of School and College Leaders, said: 'This is testament to the hard work of teachers and students in often very challenging circumstances. 'However, we continue to see big differences in attainment between regions, reflecting socioeconomic factors which represent a massive challenge, not only for the education sector but our society as a whole. 'We have to stop merely talking about these issues and actually address them with investment in communities suffering from generational disadvantage.' 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The Independent
21 minutes ago
- The Independent
Ucas Clearing 2025: How it works and what to do if you don't get A-level grades you wanted
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The Independent
21 minutes ago
- The Independent
Record gap in A-level top grades between London and north-east England
The gap between the proportion of A-level entries in London awarded the highest grades and those in north-east England is at its widest since the current system of grading was introduced, the 2025 exam figures show. Some 32.1% of entries in the capital were awarded A or A* this year, the highest for any region in England and up from 31.3% in 2024. By contrast, north-east England had the lowest regional percentage this year at 22.9%, down from 23.9% in 2024. The gap between these two regions now stands at 9.2 percentage points, up from 7.4 points last year and the largest since the present system of grading began in 2010, according to analysis by the PA news agency. North-east England is one of just two regions to see a year-on-year drop in entries receiving top grades, the other being West Midlands (down from 24.8% to 24.2%). It is also the only region where the proportion of entries awarded A or A* this year, 22.9%, is lower than the equivalent figure in the pre-pandemic year of 2019 (23.0%). For entries receiving the top grade of A*, London again had the highest proportion (11.6%, up from 11.3%) and north-east England the lowest (6.8%, down from 7.8%). The gap here of 4.8 percentage points is wider than in 2024 (3.5 points) but not as large as during the pandemic, when it reached 6.8 points in 2021. North-east England and the West Midlands are the only regions to see a year-on-year fall in entries receiving A*. By contrast, all regions reported a year-on-year increase in the proportion of entries awarded a grade C or higher, with London and south-east England almost tied on the highest percentage (79.54% and 79.45% respectively) and the East Midlands having the lowest (73.6%). At a national level, 30.4% of entries in Northern Ireland received A or A*, higher than the equivalent figure for Wales (29.5%) and England (28.2%). For entries awarded C or above, Northern Ireland was ahead at 85.8%, above England (77.7%) and Wales (77.2%). Here are the percentages of A-level entries awarded the top grade of A* by nation and region in 2025, with the equivalent figures for both 2024 and the pre-pandemic year of 2019: – North-east England 6.8% (2024: 7.8%; 2019: 6.7%)– North-west England 8.3% (2024: 8.0%; 2019: 6.9%)– Yorkshire & the Humber 7.7% (2024: 7.4%; 2019: 6.5%)– West Midlands 7.4% (2024: 7.9%; 2019: 6.3%)– East Midlands 7.4% (2024: 6.8%; 2019: 5.8%)– Eastern England 9.3% (2024: 9.1%; 2019: 7.9%)– South-west England 8.9% (2024: 8.8; 2019: 8.0%)– South-east England 11.0% (2024: 10.9%; 2019: 9.0%)– London 11.6% (2024: 11.3%; 2019: 8.7%)– England 9.4% (2024: 9.3%; 2019: 7.7%)– Wales 10.5% (2024: 10.1%; 2019: 8.9%)– Northern Ireland 8.7% (2024: 8.2%; 2019: 8.0%)– All 9.4% (2024: 9.3%; 2019: 7.7%) Here are the percentages of A-level entries awarded A or A*, by nation and region: – North-east England 22.9% (2024: 23.9%; 2019: 23.0%)– North-west England 26.6% (2024: 25.5%; 2019: 23.5%)– Yorkshire & the Humber 25.3% (2024: 24.6%; 2019: 23.2%)– West Midlands 24.2% (2024: 24.8%; 2019: 22.0%)– East Midlands 23.8% (2024: 22.5%; 2019: 21.0%)– Eastern England 28.0% (2024: 27.5%; 2019: 25.6%)– South-west England 27.0% (2024: 26.9%; 2019: 25.8%)– South-east England 31.2% (2024: 30.8%; 2019: 28.3%)– London 32.1% (2024: 31.3%; 2019: 26.9%)– England 28.2% (2024: 27.6%; 2019: 25.2%)– Wales 29.5% (2024: 29.9%; 2019: 26.5%)– Northern Ireland 30.4% (2024: 30.3%; 2019: 29.4%)– All 28.3% (2024: 27.8%; 2019: 25.4%) Here are the percentages of A-level entries awarded C or above, by nation and region: – North-east England 74.9% (2024: 74.4%; 2019: 76.3%)– North-west England 78.2% (2024: 75.9%; 2019: 75.6%)– Yorkshire & the Humber 76.8% (2024: 74.4%; 2019: 74.7%)– West Midlands 74.2% (2024: 73.4%; 2019: 72.8%)– East Midlands 73.6% (2024: 71.8%; 2019: 73.0%)– Eastern England 77.8% (2024: 76.1%; 2019: 75.7%)– South-west England 77.3% (2024: 76.3%; 2019: 76.0%)– South-east England 79.45% (2024: 78.1%; 2019: 78.0%)– London 79.54% (2024: 77.5%; 2019: 74.8%)– England 77.7% (2024: 76.0%; 2019: 75.5%)– Wales 77.2% (2024: 76.5%; 2019: 76.3%)– Northern Ireland 85.8% (2024: 85.1%; 2019: 85.0%)– All 77.9% (2024: 76.4%; 2019: 75.9%)
