I forgave my partner for affair with my best pal eight years ago – but I still can't forget it or move on
His wife told me what was going on after she found the underwear stuffed down the side of her bed.
When she told me the bra size, my blood ran cold as I realised it was the same size my wife wore.
This was eight years ago but I still can't forget it or move on.
I'm a man of 42 and have been with my partner for 15 years. She's 37.
Our relationship was great until I got a job where I worked in the US for several months of the year.
When I was in Los Angeles, the time difference made it hard for us to communicate, and my partner told me she felt lonely in the evenings.
She started going out with her friends more — at least, that's what she told me.
At the time, I trusted her. But a few weeks before I returned home, I got a message from my best friend's wife asking me to call.
When we FaceTimed, she was in bits. She said my wife had been spending a lot of time with her husband.
My partner hadn't told me about this — which seemed suspicious in itself.
Then my friend's wife said she had been changing their bed when she found a lacy black bra tucked under the mattress.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
She said my partner was the only woman who had visited her house and told me the bra size.
When I came home, I confronted my partner and my best friend individually. They both said I was paranoid.
Soon after, my best friend's marriage broke up. Our friendship has never been the same.
I have tried to forget what happened, to forgive my partner and carry on with our life together but it still troubles me to this day.
What do you advise I should do?
DEIDRE SAYS: The evidence was circumstantial but your gut told you the two people closest to you had cheated.
As they both denied it, you chose to try to forgive and forget.
Unfortunately, eight years later, it's clear that you haven't been able to do that.
Try talking to your partner again. Ask her to be honest so you can put this issue to bed once and for all.
First, think about how you will react if she finally admits to an affair, and whether you would want to break up or simply need the truth for closure.
Having couples counselling would be wise, so you can deal with this in a safe environment. Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) for an appointment.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING AS LOAN LEFT ME SUICIDAL
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER I took out a loan that I couldn't afford to pay back, I became scared to open my front door in case debt collectors turned up.
When I first saw the loan advertised online, it seemed like the answer to my prayers.
But the interest rate was high and when my circumstances changed, I couldn't keep making the monthly repayments.
I'm a 53-year-old single woman. I was so stressed, it was making me ill.
I couldn't sleep or eat and sometimes I felt suicidal.
You told me that no amount of money owed was worth ending my life over and gave me details of the Samaritans (samaritans.org, 116 123).
You praised me for asking for help and advised me to see my GP.
You suggested I read your support packs, Solving Debt Problems and Family Finances, and recommended I contact the charity Step Change (stepchange.org) for debt solutions.
I took your advice and made an appointment with my doctor. She told me not to look at my bank account every day, to help with stress.
I also got advice from a debt charity.
Six months on, I have finally finished paying my loan. I won't ever take out another one again!
Thank you for supporting me through a stressful time.
Well done on paying off your loan. It must be a huge relief for you not to owe any more money. I'm glad I could help.
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I've been with my husband for 20 years, he still talks about his teenage sweetheart – and I can't compete.
They had a child together when they were 18, but my husband had no contact with his son or the boy's mother for almost four decades.
In the meantime, we met, married and had two children. I'm 49 and he's 57.
However, a few months ago, his son got in touch out of the blue to say his mother had died. Since then, my husband has become obsessed with his dead ex.
He plays 'their song' – the track they danced to at a school party – looks back through old photos, and has even told his son his mum was the love of his life.
They were, he says, just too young for it to work.
He doesn't seem to care what impact this is having on me. It really hurts.
It feels like our whole life together has meant nothing to him, that I'm second best. He says I'm being ridiculous and he loves me. But I'm on the brink of leaving because it's all too painful.
Why is he acting like this?
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your husband is finding it difficult to deal with the death of his first love, and the reappearance of his son.
He may be feeling a complicated combination of emotions – grief, regret, guilt, nostalgia for his youth – feelings he has never dealt with, which he is now trying to work through.
That's not an excuse for his selfish behaviour towards you, but it might explain it.
Be patient with him. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Try to be supportive and give him time to deal with this, but be honest about how hard this is for you.
Encourage him to seek bereavement counselling. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, has details of how to go about this.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: I MOVED to Scotland to be with my boyfriend but now I miss home so much I'm having doubts about our relationship.
We met in London but he's got a job in Edinburgh. We didn't want to be apart, so I agreed to go with him.
He's 21 and I'm 19. I love him but after six months here, I'm so lonely and isolated, away from all my friends and family.
We're arguing a lot and I'm scared we'll end up splitting.
But it's too far for a long-distance relationship.
DEIDRE SAYS: Building a life in a new place is hard. Tell him how you feel. You moved for him, so he needs to make an effort to help you make friends.
Check out local groups and meet-ups. My support pack, Feeling Lonely?, should help, too.
Also, invite your friends and family to stay and plan regular trips back home.
NO DESIRE TO ROMP WITH WIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my wife is a total flop – even though I have no problem keeping an erection when I'm pleasuring myself.
For some reason, I just have no desire to be intimate with her any more.
We're both upset about it.
Now I'm wondering if I should find another woman online to test out what happens if I try to have sex.
I'm 56, my wife is 48, we have been married for 20 years and have three children. Until last year, I had a high sex drive and we made love frequently.
But my libido has gradually disappeared to the point that I can't get or maintain an erection when we want to get physically intimate.
Even taking Viagra didn't help. But masturbating isn't a problem.
Trying sex with another woman would clarify if the issue is with my relationship.
But I'd feel guilty. I love my wife and don't want to cheat. How can I resolve this?
DEIDRE SAYS: Finding another woman for sex is not the answer.
The guilt could well affect your ability to perform – and it's wrong to use a person to diagnose your issue.
If you can masturbate to climax, it seems likely your problem is psychological.
And the more you worry about your erections disappearing, the more likely this is to happen.
My support pack, Solving Erection Problems, has more information on this, and how to get help.
You and your wife need to discuss what's happening and find if there is a deeper, perhaps unacknowledged, problem in your relationship.
Couples counselling may be worth pursuing. See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help.
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