I'm having a baby with new boyfriend – but he abandoned me then got woman I loathe pregnant
We had a huge blowout about us moving in together and he stormed out — no goodbye, no explanation
DEAR DEIDRE I'm having a baby with new boyfriend – but he abandoned me then got woman I loathe pregnant
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DEAR DEIDRE: DISCOVERING I was pregnant by my new boyfriend was a welcome surprise and I really embraced the idea of becoming a mum.
However, he has really shown his true colours by abandoning me and also getting a woman I loathe pregnant at the same time.
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I'm 36 and have always longed for a baby. I previously tried for years with a previous partner and even went through IVF on my own, but fertility issues left me with little hope.
So I was delighted to discover that I am expecting. My boyfriend is 39 and we'd only been seeing each other a short while, but it didn't take long before the excitement set in.
And I really thought we had a future together.
Then we had a huge blowout because he was being evasive about us moving in together, and I said he would need to share the load of having a newborn.
He stormed out — no goodbye, no explanation, he just vanished, leaving me to face everything alone. I was heartbroken.
Just as I was beginning to feel excited about the baby again, he got in touch and dropped a bombshell. He'd got another woman pregnant.
She's someone I've never liked. We share mutual friends, and she's always been sly — copying me, making passive-aggressive digs, even trying it on with an ex of mine.
We've had our fair share of drama and arguments over the years.
Now I feel betrayed all over again. I know technically we weren't together, but he knew how I felt about her.
He says he wants to be involved with our baby and step up. But how can I trust him, especially when he's having a child with her too?
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a lot to process, especially after everything you've been through to become a mum.
Your ex didn't cheat but it's the emotional betrayal and timing that's so painful. Unprotected sex with someone he knows you dislike, so soon after leaving you, feels like a slap in the face.
Does having him involved feel supportive or stressful? You have every right to set boundaries that protect your peace and wellbeing.
Co-parenting is possible without rekindling a relationship. Talking to a therapist can help you decide what's best for you.
Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960) can help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
GIRL MATE IS SINGLE AGAIN AND I WANT TO MAKE A MOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of hiding my feelings, the girl I've always fancied is suddenly single – and now I'm wondering what I should do next.
The last thing I want to do is overstep, but I'm terrified if I don't make a move I'll be stuck in the friendzone forever.
I'm 27, she's 26, and we've always been close, but I never thought she saw me that way. She was with her boyfriend for a long time, so I kept my feelings to myself and stayed just friends.
However, she's recently broken up with him, and I'm not sure what to do.
I want to make my feelings known, but I'm worried she might just be looking for a rebound, and I don't want to be the one who gets hurt or used.
At the same time, I don't want to wait too long and miss my chance.
How do I tell her how I feel? I feel anxious even thinking about it.
DEIDRE SAYS: It's normal to worry about being seen as a rebound, especially after someone has just left a long-term relationship.
Take things slowly and be a supportive friend first. It's likely she'll probably need some time to heal.
When the moment feels right, be honest about your feelings without putting pressure on her.
While you can't guarantee that she will reciprocate, being genuine and patient gives you the best chance of building something meaningful.
SCARED TO LEAVE ABUSIVE PARTNER
DEAR DEIDRE: FOR years, I've been trapped in a toxic relationship with a man who controls every part of my life – emotionally, verbally and financially.
Now I finally have the means to leave, I'm terrified.
I'm 38, he's 42, we've been together over a decade and have two children.
The last few years have been a living nightmare.
He constantly puts me down, isolates me from friends, and lashes out in anger that sometimes get physical. I spend every day walking on eggshells, terrified of setting him off.
I've wanted to leave so many times, but I've had no money, no support network.
But recently, my grandmother passed away and left me an inheritance. It's not life-changing, but it's enough to get out.
I feel paralysed by fear. What if I can't manage on my own? I want a better life for my children, but I don't know how to take that first step. Help.
DEIDRE SAYS: You've shown incredible strength by surviving this long, and now you have a real chance to break free.
It's normal to feel scared, but staying may cause more harm in the long run.
Reach out to Women's Aid (womensaid.org.uk) or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, who can help you plan your next steps safely.
I'm sending you my pack, Abusive Partner?, which offers further support.
PAL IN LOVE WITH A SEX OFFENDER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY best friend has fallen head over heels for a convicted sex offender, and I'm terrified she's putting love before her child's safety.
We are both 37 and have been friends since school. I've always known her to be a great mum to her ten-year-old daughter.
But now I'm questioning her judgement.
She met this man online about six months ago. Not long into dating, he told her he had a conviction for a sex offence that happened 'years ago'.
He claims it was a misunderstanding and that he's a changed man. She believes him completely.
Her family and I have tried to warn her to be careful, especially with her daughter at home, but she says we're being judgmental and that she knows him better than anyone.
Now he's moved in with them, and I can't shake the feeling that something's not right. Should I leave her to trust her instincts, or is my sense of duty to protect that little girl the right path?
I feel torn. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You're right to trust your instincts – when it comes to a child's safety, it's always better to be cautious. It's deeply worrying that your friend is ignoring your concerns.
While people can change, sex offences are serious and not to be dismissed.
You need to have a very frank conversation with your friend. Explain, firmly but compassionately, that while you love and care for her, you're extremely worried about her daughter's well- being.
Let her know this isn't about judging her relationship but about protecting a child.
If, after that, she still refuses to listen, you may need to consider raising a safeguarding concern with your local children's services.
I'm sending you my pack, Worried A Child's At Risk?, which has further advice and resources.
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I'm having a baby with new boyfriend – but he abandoned me then got woman I loathe pregnant
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But now I'm questioning her judgement. She met this man online about six months ago. Not long into dating, he told her he had a conviction for a sex offence that happened 'years ago'. He claims it was a misunderstanding and that he's a changed man. She believes him completely. Her family and I have tried to warn her to be careful, especially with her daughter at home, but she says we're being judgmental and that she knows him better than anyone. Now he's moved in with them, and I can't shake the feeling that something's not right. Should I leave her to trust her instincts, or is my sense of duty to protect that little girl the right path? I feel torn. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: You're right to trust your instincts – when it comes to a child's safety, it's always better to be cautious. It's deeply worrying that your friend is ignoring your concerns. While people can change, sex offences are serious and not to be dismissed. You need to have a very frank conversation with your friend. Explain, firmly but compassionately, that while you love and care for her, you're extremely worried about her daughter's well- being. Let her know this isn't about judging her relationship but about protecting a child. If, after that, she still refuses to listen, you may need to consider raising a safeguarding concern with your local children's services. I'm sending you my pack, Worried A Child's At Risk?, which has further advice and resources.
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