Woman Says Mother-in-Law Is Moving Just 15 Minutes Away. Now She's Worried 'Our Lives Will Be Overrun'

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a day ago

She told her mother-in-law their city was too close, but now the woman is house-hunting nearby anywayNEED TO KNOW
A woman says her mother-in-law is moving within 15 minutes of their home despite being told their city was too close
The couple is expecting a baby and fears the mother-in-law will demand constant time and involvement
The husband struggles to set boundaries with his mom, who becomes defensive and manipulative when challengedA woman seeks support from the Reddit community following a difficult update in her already complicated relationship with her overbearing mother-in-law.
What was once a distant plan has suddenly become a pressing concern: her mother-in-law is officially moving to their state, and much sooner than expected.
"You all told me and she said it would be 1-2 years out. And it's happening now," she writes in frustration. What was originally a plan for the mother-in-law to live 30 minutes away has now been reduced to 15 minutes — or less.
She and her husband had made it clear that their own city was too close for comfort. "She specifically asked us if our city was too close. And we said yes, that's too close. And she did not like that answer."
Despite being told no, the mother-in-law dismissed their concerns. 'Her response to this was 'we don't have to hang out,' ' the woman shares, highlighting the dismissive tone that's become all too familiar.
The couple is expecting a baby girl in just a few months, and the mother-to-be is already setting expectations around her postpartum boundaries. 'I will not be spending postpartum and mat leave with his mother while he's working,' she states firmly.
At a recent dinner, she tried explaining to her husband why the situation feels particularly invasive. 'His mom is used to spending all her time with him when they visit,' she explains, shedding light on the dynamic that's played out for years.
Though he has told his mother not to base her move on their lives or schedules, it hasn't stopped her from doing exactly that. 'That went in one ear and out the other,' she writes. 'I can tell she wants to move to gain more control of his life and by proxy our life and our baby's.'
Her fear is that their family life will be consumed by the mother-in-law's expectations and demands. 'She expects 24/7 time with him/us. He doesn't want that and neither do I.'
There's also a deep frustration that the mother-in-law doesn't seem to acknowledge their autonomy. 'It's like she's never seen us as adults in our day to day lives,' the woman writes.
Her husband is hesitant to confront his mother directly because the conversations always turn sour. 'Imagine a dramatic teenager throwing a temper tantrum,' she says. 'She gets defensive, masks her behavior as 'help' or 'concern,' gives him the silent treatment, then yells at him, and inevitably says I'm controlling him and calls me names behind my back.'
The woman empathizes with her husband, who struggles with the emotional toll. Still, she's clear that avoiding the issue isn't an option. 'Boundaries need to be set or our lives will be overrun.'
In therapy, she was advised to ask her husband why setting boundaries with his mom is so difficult. When she did, his answer was sobering. 'He wishes things were different but ultimately knows they will never change with his mom.'
To her, the behavior screams narcissism. 'Anything that we want that she doesn't somehow must be a her problem.'
The mother-in-law doesn't seem to grasp the idea that they need space and privacy. 'You can't really tell someone that they are all encompassing/engulfing and take up 99.9% of your time when you're with them.'
When she visits, the couple finds themselves sneaking away just to breathe. 'My husband and I 'escape' through naps, and walks around our neighborhood to get away.' Time alone becomes a rare luxury when the mother-in-law is around. 'To say we have more than 10 mins a day to ourselves when she visits is generous.'
Even past efforts to create physical boundaries have failed. 'Some people are probably thinking ask her to stay in a hotel… oh we have and she still doesn't leave until 9pm, or she just doesn't go to the hotel.'
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The woman admits that their inability to enforce boundaries has made things worse. 'As you can tell we are pretty spineless.' Feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, she turns to the community. 'You warned us, and I'm feeling hopeless now.'
Though she understands the need for boundaries, she admits to feeling unsure about how to enforce them. 'My therapist said my husband has to do it. I agree, but again idk how support him in doing that…'
They're aligned in what boundaries they want — but the delivery is where things break down. 'It's the 'communicating' them. He doesn't feel like he can because she doesn't listen or she yells at him.'
The mother-in-law is known for manipulating situations to get her way. 'She's also so manipulative in getting what she wants whether that's going around him and trying to triangulate us, or mask getting what she wants through gift giving.'
A commenter offers advice, urging the husband to start therapy and prepare for backlash. 'He should also prepare himself to not take the bait when she inevitably overreacts or flips out… you both need to be prepared to enforce consequences.'
The original poster is grateful but admits that the unpredictability is what makes it hard. 'She will cross a boundary out of nowhere. When she hasn't before.'
Caught off guard, the couple often doesn't have time to talk through what happened. 'Then it's like well the moment passed and we didn't know this would be a problem.' While the couple knows boundaries are crucial, they're still figuring out how to hold the line.
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