I can reach orgasm alone – but not with my partner
The transition from solo sex to satisfying partner sex is not always easy. Some people become so accustomed to particular types of touch, pressure or strokes during masturbation that they find switching to the different sensations with another person extremely challenging. In addition, some people require intense focus to achieve orgasm or ejaculation, and the anxiety or distraction of intimacy with a partner interrupts their usual process.
It is possible to retrain your sexual style to accommodate a partner – and although this can best be done with the help of a sexual therapist, you could start by considering your exact needs in terms of the mechanics of your sexual response and encourage your partner to help by trying to replicate it. For example, perhaps you need to ask her to use a firmer or lighter touch during foreplay.
If you find that intercourse does not provide you with sufficient stimulation, one strategy is to employ more erotic play that will increase your arousal before penetration. If you think your problem is distractibility or anxiety, you will have to find calming mechanisms that work for you.
Essentially, the worry you are feeling about your partner's complaints is making it more difficult for you to ejaculate and taking the fun out of sex. Hopefully, you can both stop thinking of lovemaking as a task and simply focus on giving and receiving pleasure.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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