Popular culture brought us the word gaslight. What is it and what are the keys to a healthy relationship?

Australia Broadcast Center

7 days ago

Gaslighting is a word that shows up on reality television.
"When you sat there and talked at her, it was gaslighting 101," expert John Aiken told groom Tim on season 12 of Married At First Sight.
"You deflected. You blamed her for everything. You said she broke your trust.
"You said that you were the most honest of the two of you and, ultimately, you made her feel like she was going crazy.
TikTok psychologists use the term, as do others who post on the platform.
You'll hear it used in film and scripted television.
And if you go back far enough in time, you'll find that popular culture brought us the word.
Robin Stern is a licensed psychoanalyst and the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
"The term 'gaslight' comes from the 1938 play 'Gas Light' and the subsequent films, most famously the 1944 Hollywood version," Dr Stern said.
"In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity – one tactic involves dimming the gaslights in their home and denying it's happening when she notices.
"It was a chilling portrayal of psychological control."
Dr Stern says the word went on to become a common term in the lexicon.
"Over time, 'gaslighting' evolved from a specific plot device to a widely used term for a form of emotional abuse in which someone causes another to doubt their perceptions, memories, or sense of reality," she said.
"The popularisation of the term speaks to how many people recognised aspects of their own experiences in the story."
But Dr Stern says the word is often misapplied.
"Gaslighting is not just a conflict or lie — it's a sustained pattern of manipulation that erodes your trust in yourself.
"When we overuse the term, we risk losing the depth and seriousness of what true gaslighting entails."
Dr Stern says disagreements and even lying aren't necessarily gaslighting.
"For gaslighting to be present, there must be an ongoing attempt to destabilise another person's reality," she said.
"For instance, if someone forgets a conversation, that's not gaslighting.
"But if they repeatedly deny conversations that did happen — or accuse you of imagining them to make you feel unstable — that's when it crosses the line."
The short answer is yes.
"Gaslighting has become a troubling feature of modern political life," Dr Stern says.
"Leaders or institutions may deny facts, contradict previous statements, or manipulate language to sow doubt and confusion.
"Political gaslighting erodes trust in institutions, the media, and even in one's own judgement.
"It's especially dangerous because it can shape entire narratives, influence public opinion, and silence dissent."
Dr Stern says gaslighting is a behaviour, not a clinical diagnosis.
"It can be a tactic within personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder or part of coercive control in abusive relationships," she said.
"I believe what matters is recognising the dynamics and damage of gaslighting, regardless of whether it has a clinical label.
"Naming it gives people language to make sense of their experience, and that's powerful in itself.
Kayla Steele is a postdoctoral research fellow and clinical psychologist at the UNSW School of Psychology, based at the Black Dog Institute.
"Experiencing gaslighting often leads to a person experiencing significant emotional and psychological distress," Dr Steele says.
"This is in part due to the erosion of trust that occurs, both within the relationship and within a person's sense of self and their ability to discern what is real and what is not."
Dr Steele says people gaslight "to gain control or influence over other people and their experiences, perceptions and reality."
She's outlined the following ways to identify gaslighting in an intimate relationship.
Dr Steele says gaslighting can unfold in stages.
"The stages of gaslighting generally involve initially feeling idealised by your partner, followed by a period of devaluation that can leave you feeling confused," Dr Steele says.
"This may then cause you to doubt your own perception of reality, which can lead to the other person taking control of the situation or the relationship and the person being gaslit feeling helpless, dependent and powerless."
Dr Steele encourages people to seek out help when recovering from being gaslit.
"Talk to someone you trust about your concerns, such as your partner, a friend, family member or health professional such as a psychologist, therapist, or relationship counsellor," Dr Steele says.
"When leaving an unhealthy relationship, it is important to prioritise strengthening our sense of self, including our self-worth, our trust in ourselves and our perception of reality, and to seek support from trusted friends and family.
"Establishing healthy relationships with others can provide a safe landing place where we can have our concerns listened to and our emotions and experiences validated.
"[It] can also help us rebuild our sense of self and our capacity to trust."
Dr Steele says a healthy relationship has some key characteristics that include:
Yes, it can.
Dr Steele says it can be unintentional "if it is an unconscious denial of reality and not a conscious behaviour used to manipulate or control the other."
Dr Stern has some great advice if you think that's you.
"Recognising that you've engaged in gaslighting behaviour is a meaningful and courageous first step," Dr Stern says.
"Take time to reflect on what was driving those actions — were you trying to control the narrative, avoid responsibility, cover up a lie, or simply struggling to manage something difficult?
"Understanding your motives is essential to making meaningful change.
"Take accountability for the harm you may have caused, but also recognise that those you've hurt may need space, time, or clear boundaries.
"Real transformation begins with ownership, empathy, and a sustained commitment to doing better.
"Just as important is developing emotional skills — learning to regulate your feelings, communicate honestly, and sit with discomfort without resorting to control.
"Building those internal strategies is not only possible, but essential for healthier, more respectful relationships moving forward."