Who gets the friends in a divorce? For many, the answer stings.

Yahoo

2 days ago

In Netflix's The Four Seasons, newly divorced Nick (played by Steve Carell) goes on vacation with all his old couple friends and his new, much younger partner — only to discover that his ex stealth-booked at the resort next door so she could keep an eye on them. I mean, I didn't blame her for a second. As a divorced woman, I was miffed in the first place that the selfish ex-husband still got the friend group — for his first postdivorce vacation, no less, while the ex-wife he left was stuck flying solo. Anne should have at least 'won' the friends!
Navigating the awkwardness of postdivorce friendships is something that pretty much every divorced couple has to go through. The split doesn't just involve your partner; it can also mean a reshuffling — or total loss — of a once-shared social life. So, we asked divorced people how they navigated the murky waters of post-split friendships. Who got which friends? Was there drama? Hurt feelings? And, perhaps most telling of all: What happens when one person moves on romantically?
We also brought in relationship experts to help make sense of the etiquette, emotions and expectations involved when divorce changes not just your relationship status, but your entire social circle.
Winning over friends postdivorce
Licensed marriage and family therapist Ciara Bogdanovic says that huge friendship shifts are common post-split. 'Divorce can deeply affect a person's social circle, especially when many friendships were created as a couple,' she tells Yahoo. 'Friends may feel unsure how to navigate loyalty, awkwardness or divided alliances.'
No surprise there. What does feel like a surprise to some? The pressure to choose. 'Some friends may feel like they need to 'pick a side,'' says therapist Thomas Westenholz, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy (EFT).
'Oh, I picked a side!' Kate, from Wisconsin, tells Yahoo of her friends' divorce. 'I started out as friends with one (the husband) and ended up on the other's side for life.' She had gone to college with the husband, but after he left his wife and kid and quickly remarried, Kate rallied to support her suddenly single mom friend and hasn't looked back.
Erin, from Mississippi, says she's had to pick sides too. But, 'interestingly enough, over time, it's all flown back together where I'm back to being friends with both parties,' she says. 'Time really can heal. It's possible.' She says neither of the exes is hurt that she's remained friends with them both. 'I went to their daughter's wedding, and that was the first time I'd seen them in a room together in 18 years. They got along well!'
Bogdanovic says the idea that friends should have to choose after a divorce is a myth. It doesn't have to be this way: As Erin's story shows, friends of a divorced couple can and do continue their friendships with both individuals. Bogdanovic advises divorced folks to 'initiate time together one-on-one' with friends post-split, to ensure they get the message that you want the friendship to continue.
Licensed clinical social worker Jessica Plonchak agrees that the idea of 'who gets who' is not a healthy approach to take. 'The healthier way to handle shared friendships should include allowing both parties to acknowledge the awkwardness and give them some space to decide their comfort levels,' Plonchak says. In most cases, she notes, couple friends will gravitate more toward one person naturally, whether that's because of shared interests or overall time spent together. 'Whatever the situation is, it is important not to impose loyalty on anyone and create a sense of guilt,' Plonchak adds. 'True friendships only last when both sides show respect and maturity.'
Losing friends who can't handle the change
As for the person divorcing, the friendship changes 'can feel like a second layer of loss; they are grieving not only the relationship but the friendships as well,' says Bogdanovic. And if friends don't 'choose' their side, they can feel further abandoned.
Renée Bauer is a divorce attorney who has seen this dynamic play out both professionally and personally. 'When I was getting divorced ... I found a lot of my friendships that were tied to my husband disappeared,' Bauer says. 'It was a lonely time.' That meant pushing herself to make new friends on her own.
Ann, from Ohio, says she and her ex reverted back to their individual premarriage friend groups only, so she no longer keeps in touch with friends that originated on his side. 'His friends were mostly shit anyway,' she says. 'I should have known.'
Sarah, in Canada, says that her divorce caused her to lose many friendships and even relationships with family members. She tells Yahoo that her ex 'told lots of people I cheated on him.' That was a lie, she says: 'I left him because he was verbally and mentally abusive.' After her ex accused her of cheating, their friend group approached her about it, 'and I told them my side,' Sarah says. 'Others never even asked me about it, just wrote me off as a friend. I figure those people weren't my friends in the first place.'
A lot of my friendships that were tied to my husband disappearedRenée Bauer
Another Sarah, in Maryland, says that when she went through a divorce, she slowly lost all of her close friendships. 'Most of my closest friends from childhood and really, really long relationships started to really wither away in the years after my divorce,' she says. 'I think it's hard for our closest people to watch us go through these huge, mega shifts.' She says she felt 'a lot of judgment from my friends who were mostly newlyweds.' Ultimately, even Sarah's closest friend 'was like, 'I don't relate to you anymore,'' she says. 'And that kind of led to my entire friend group falling apart.'
She adds that her ex-husband was very outgoing and charismatic, so people tended not to look beneath the surface when it came to what ended their relationship. 'There was the outward perception that he's this nice guy, and I got the 'evil bitch ex-wife' thing, which is such a common label,' she says.
When a new partner enters the chat — or the group vacation
If there's one thing that can complicate postdivorce friendship dynamics, fast, it's a new partner. Of course, divorced folks are going to start dating again eventually, but sometimes it happens way faster than their friends — and certainly their ex-partner — may be comfortable with. So it's important to be sensitive, patient and err on the side of overcommunication.
'Introducing a new partner into established group dynamics can put your friends in an uncomfortable position,' says Bogdanovic. Westenholz adds that it 'can feel jarring, especially if the friend group is still adjusting to the divorce. It's not necessarily a betrayal, but it can be perceived as tone-deaf.' He advises having an open conversation with your friends ahead of time about your new partner and gauging their comfort levels about meeting this person.
'Some friends may feel forced to adjust to new dynamics they didn't sign up for,' Bogdanovic points out. 'It's helpful to give your friends a heads-up, gauge their openness and accept that not all group traditions will continue in the same way. People need time to adapt, and that's OK.'
Remember: True friends will last
'Some friendships may fade' postdivorce, says Westenholz, 'but others can deepen in new, more authentic ways.'
Today, Sarah in Canada is so grateful to be on the other side of her divorce and friend group transformation, despite the loss of many friendships. 'My circle is small, but oh so valuable,' she says.
'I've really had to rebuild a friend group for myself in the past few years after the fallout of all that,' Maryland Sarah says. And she's better for it. After all, the friends who find us during a period of huge transition and are able to listen, empathize and stick around, those are the ones we deserve.