How much say do I let my teen have in her custodial time with my ex?
Dear Meghan: I am a single, divorced mother to a 15-year-old daughter. We divorced when she was 9 and started with 50-50 custody. During the lockdown, her other parent moved a few hours away and recently even farther away, and now they see each other for a weekend every other month.
I just read your old column about connecting with a teen, and it's great! My teen and I are relatively close. She can be sweet and charming, and she can be moody and rude, but I try to roll with it and not take things personally. Her other parent is quick to take offense and they usually butt heads. For example, she is not allowed to sleep in the car when they are together, as this takes away from time together, among other things.
My teen has made some requests about her schedule with both of us. Right now, she spends about two-thirds or more of vacation time with her other parent because she has to travel to go there. She's a teen now, and she just wants time to relax in her room and hang out with her friends. The other night, I had a dream that she ran away when she was with my ex. Maybe it's just anxiety, or maybe I'm picking up on something real. Who knows?
I'm looking for advice on how to navigate the situation of a teen who doesn't want to travel three-plus hours for the majority of her vacations to spend time with a parent she doesn't get along with, away from friends, her room and all of her things. Thoughts?
— Teen Pushback
Teen Pushback: Thank you for writing; you are in a tricky developmental time! To quickly address the 'running away' dream: It sounds like your anxiety is showing up in your dream (not abnormal). Unless there's a history of running or your daughter is threatening it now, I wouldn't allow your dream to dictate your actions.
Your daughter is 15, and it is age- and developmentally appropriate for her to want to chill in her bed and see her friends. Many teens want to either be alone or with their friends, but don't mistake these desires to mean that they don't need their parents. Your daughter and her other parent butt heads a lot, so there's even more of a reason for her not to spend a lot of time with them during vacation. The sacrifice of her friendships and free time, plus arguing with her other parent? Yeah, that's a hard pass for most teens.
But.
Maintaining a relationship with her other parent is important, and you don't want to let your teen's emotional impulses dictate all of the vacation plans. Teens very much want and need their parents to be present, listening and holding boundaries and rules. And unless it is abusive, you don't want to meddle too much in their relationship; rather you want to support healthy communication. Without clear communication, one extreme is that your teen runs the schedule, while the other extreme is that the co-parent runs the schedule, but the middle path is where a compromise is met. Yes, a compromise means both parties don't get what they want, but it can also open a new level of communication and respect.
I don't know what your teen's exact request is, but have her put it into writing and call a meeting with the co-parent. Say: 'Whitney has some changes she'd like to make to the summer schedule. I support her hanging here a little more, while still being able to get time with you, co-parent. Let's look at our schedules and begin a chat about this.' Hopefully, with an open tone, you can help your daughter respect her own voice while also supporting your co-parent. And by beginning the conversation, everyone can step away and think about the choices. Encourage your daughter to stay open-minded, while also accepting that work schedules and other needs may trump her picture of the perfect summer.
However the conversation goes, your best bet moving forward is bringing your teen into the conversation and decision-making process. Teens get a bad rap; they are often creative and out-of-the-box thinkers and far more open-minded than we give them credit for. Trust that your daughter can problem solve with her co-parent.
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