Allyship Is Leadership: Why People With Power Are An Untapped Resource
Coqual, a research firm focused on inclusion, published the 'What Majority Men Really Think About Diversity and Inclusion' report to help understand how dominant group members felt about diversity and inclusion.
Their report revealed an interesting finding. In response to the question, 'How important is diversity and inclusion to you at work?' only 10% said it was not important at all, 48% responded not very or somewhat important, with 42% saying very or extremely important. Coqual labeled these groups accordingly: 10% detractors, 48% persuadables, and 42% true believers.
Based on this data, dominant group members appear to be open to diversity and inclusion, despite the perceptions of backlash and corporate retreat. The motivator for these persuadables: leaders who buy into the value proposition of diversity, inclusion, and the core tenets of allyship are 62% more likely to occupy the C-suite.
Coqual's findings are consistent with qualitative data my team has gathered in listening sessions or focus groups. We have facilitated these sessions with middle management in organizations to help understand their perceptions of diversity and inclusion. The primary barrier for allyship is the lack of time or prioritization by the organization for them to attend allyship training or Employee Resource Group inclusion programs, followed by a lack of clear direction on what to say or do, resulting in inaction. These hopeful allies often want to be inclusive yet struggle to prioritize the time necessary to educate themselves and show up intentionally and consistently.
Allyship Benefits
As a social species, humans feel pressure to conform to social expectations, to be helpful and valued by the community. It was and still is necessary for our survival. We have evolved through being in groups and cannot survive alone; we need each other. Allyship principles hit this deep primal need to be relevant to others, to belong, to be a part of something bigger than us. Mental Health America's research indicates 'that those who consistently help other people experience less depression, greater calm, fewer pains, and better health. They may even live longer.'
If you want to be happier and live longer, start with relationships. Try being a better ally. The benefits of allyship come in two primary forms, the human case and the business case, or research-backed evidence that diversity and inclusion lead to better outcomes. The human case is more emotional and stickier. It starts by examining your core values, your personal and professional relationships, and your own experiences with people of different backgrounds and lived experiences. In Potentia Talent Consulting Limited's February 2025 Male Allyship survey, they found the primary benefits of allyship were increased trust, connections, and ability to work across different cultures. In a fast-paced global economy, these skills are revered.
In my allyship workshops, I usually share my ally why as an example. Allyship is personal for me. As a mother of a child with autism and an LGBTQ+ child and mental health issues present in my family, allyship is a way of life. I want the world to be fairer and more inclusive for my family. I also share a story about my daughter drawing a picture of her playing with a friend. It was the summer of 2020, the height of the Black Lives Matter movement, and we had just gotten a box of the new culturally diverse skin tone crayons. Jane, six years old at the time, drew a child of color asking them to be her friend, unprompted. When I inquired about the drawing, she simply replied, 'I want friends that are different from me.' Allyship in principle is so simple, children get it intuitively. It's as we age that we unlearn our curiosity and this deeply primal need for connection.
As you reflect on your personal ally why, consider both the human case and the business case. I find that both are critically important to center in your allyship journey. One of my clients, Forté Foundation, an organization that promotes gender equality and allyship in higher education, has led a men as allies program since 2016. One of the first activities they recommend to senior male executives is conducting an interview with someone with different identities from themselves.
Hundreds of alumni over the years have validated that this activity was most impactful for them as an ally. In their program, Forté recommends that the man ask a woman in their life about their personal experiences with their gender identity through a series of semi-structured open-ended questions that start with what or how. Consider facilitating a conversation with someone different from yourself by asking:
A strong word of caution here. Please do not interview someone you have not already built trust with; it may have a negative effect on the relationship. Also, do not only talk to your children, especially your daughters. Having a daughter is one reason to be an ally, but it needs to go deeper than that.
The business case for diversity and inclusion is strong. McKinsey & Company is best known for their bi-annual Diversity Matters report. Since 2015, they have reported significantly higher probabilities of higher profitability associated with diversity and inclusion. Their 2024 report found a 39% higher chance of profitability with a gender and ethnically diverse leadership team compared to industry peers. What other opportunity in business could give you this type of return? The caveat is that diverse representation is not enough to achieve these outcomes. The organization also needs to have an inclusive environment to fully feel this impact. Diversity does not work without inclusion. Thus, the need for allies.
Boston Consulting Group's study on How Diverse Teams Boost Innovation's biggest takeaway is a 'statistically significant correlation between the diversity of management teams and overall innovation. Companies that reported above-average diversity on their management teams also reported innovation revenue that was 19% higher than that of companies with below-average leadership diversity: 45% of total revenue versus just 26%.' In a hypercompetitive world where it is easy to copy a product, service, or price overnight, an inclusive culture is much more of a sustainable competitive advantage. It takes time to build and maintain an inclusive culture, making it difficult for a competitor to copy quickly.
Perhaps the strongest evidence we have for the business case for diversity and inclusion is the newest generation entering the workforce: Generation Z. Born 1997 to 2012, Gen Z is unlike previous generations that were less likely to question authority and abide by workplace norms. They were raised in a much different environment. Growing up in the height of immigration in the United States, there is no majority race for Gen Z and they increasingly see gender as fluid or a continuum rather than a binary. The world is not black or white or women or men to them.
I teach a class on inclusive leadership at the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, and my students teach me that they were raised in a diverse environment and expect inclusion of differences. That is an important distinction for leaders who hope to be relevant to future consumers and employees. Monster.com's study validates this with 83% of Gen Z prioritizing diversity and inclusion when deciding where to apply for employment. Allyship is about relevance.
There is also a misperception that diversity and inclusion is costly and only benefits certain groups. More often, what works better for some people works better for all people. When curb cuts went into effect in 1990 with the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, bikeriders, stroller users, and small children also benefited, not just people in wheelchairs. Closed captions for people with hearing disabilities also benefit others who are visual learners. Texting was initially intended for people with hearing disabilities and now is a widely used form of communication we all benefit from.
Despite its lack of popularity and the Supreme Court overturning affirmative action in 2023, white women benefited the most from affirmative action, receiving 63% of diversity and inclusion leadership roles over the time period it was administered. Inclusion rarely impacts a small group of people; it often benefits dominant groups too.
Oppression hurts everyone, not just historically marginalized groups. Citigroup found racism costs $16T due to systemic issues of redlining affecting lending, wages, and housing. This hurts everyone when some groups are not able to fully participate in society. Making environments more neuroinclusive also benefits neurotypical people who also experience sensory overload. Homophobia and transphobia limit the ability to serve a $1T LGBTQ+ market. Just because you may not agree with or even fully understand someone else's identities should not prevent you from trying to be an ally. I will forever be an ally in training, as someone who has studied and taught inclusion for over ten years.
Allyship SWOT Analysis
At this point, I realize I have made a big assumption that you are ready to be an ally. If you have processed your fears and acknowledged that your power is a way for you to be helpful, you are likely ready for allyship. If you still are harboring fears or are unconvinced of the power you hold, maybe hit pause before moving forward. Performative allyship often creates more harm than good.
Ally is not a perfect term. To act as an ally, you do not need to call yourself an ally. In fact, it is ill-advised to self-proclaim to be an ally. Allyship is in the eye of the beholder. Consider labeling yourself as an aspiring ally to help marginalized communities know you are open to support and sharing your power. There is no consensus on what we call people who are helpful to others who are different from themselves.
I have conducted two informal polls on LinkedIn with this question in mind, what do we call people who help others different from themselves, in 2017 and 2025 and got mixed results both times. There is no one preferred word, with the most votes going to call them nothing at all or simple terms like 'good human.' People also prefer manbassador, accomplice, femannist, or advocate, yet there is no consensus on the word we use. I'm indifferent on what we call it, but we do need language to describe this behavior. If allyship was more common, I would agree we wouldn't need a word for it. The reality is we need language to describe these concepts. Without language, meaning is lost.
Leadership has been well researched and studied. In 2016, Deloitte coined the six signature traits of inclusive leadership: cognizance or self-awareness, curiosity, cultural intelligence, commitment, courage, and collaboration. Rarely are leaders effective at all of these trades. Usually, there's a basket of strengths and those that you might choose to develop. In fact, self-awareness is shockingly low for leaders, with 85% of people claiming to be self-aware and only 15% have achieved that status, according to research by Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist and author.
The Intercultural Development Inventory (IDI) measures cultural competency using five stages of development for inclusive leadership or allyship. Reflect on this continuum and be honest about where you might be now.
Most people progress through these cultural competencies at their own pace. For some, the human case and business case can accelerate the process through denial and polarization. That is where fear and refusal to acknowledge power live. Having a strong why is essential before doing the work of acceptance and adaptation.
Be honest about the stage that you are currently occupying, and remember you may occupy different stages in considering different identities or lived experiences of others. There are no shortcuts or fast forward buttons, as allyship is a practice. 'Success' might be considered not naming yourself as an ally, but rather being called an ally by someone in a community you want to impact. It's important to acknowledge each phase as a chance to be in an ally and realize that people can move toward greater skill, and move back to learning mode again, when they encounter challenges. The agility, humility, and curiosity of the aspiring inclusive leader is the key.
One of my favorite exercises to facilitate as a part of an allyship program is what I call an allyship SWOT analysis. Like business, the S stands for your personal strengths, W represents your personal weaknesses, O's are opportunities to leverage your strengths, and T's are threats you need to mitigate for your weaknesses. Reflect on previous chapters, thinking about your fears as your weaknesses and access points to power as your strengths. Complete your allyship SWOT with guiding questions below:
We know that with exposure to diversity, an inclusive mindset usually follows. Psychologists call this 'exposure therapy,' where they attempt to get their patients to increase their exposure to experiences they are fearful of to help lower their fear and anxiety through exposure over time. For diversity, this can also work when done intentionally, consistently, and gradually over time.
For many Americans, university or their first job is their first experience with diversity. For me, that was my first corporate job working as a warehouse supervisor. For the first time, I was working with people from vastly different backgrounds, racially, culturally, and socioeconomically. At first, I felt those differences viscerally. I was anxious and fearful. Over time, as I got to know people as humans, I learned to embrace those differences. It made our team stronger. We ultimately won the coveted chairman's award for our team's engagement, a 95% score where industry averages hovered around 70%, an achievement that we would not have had without a diverse and inclusive workforce. Employee engagement is highly correlated with business performance. Highly engaged teams are 21% more profitable than organizations with low levels of engagement. Engaged companies grow profits up to three times faster than their competitors.
As an ally, lean into your strengths and try to overcome your weaknesses. Expose yourself proactively to people and experiences that are different. It will make you a better ally, and a more effective leader.
Allyship Is Leadership
Reflect when you have been a part of a diverse and inclusive team, weren't the outcomes better? If you are unsure, this is what it looks like when you have a diverse and inclusive group:
Allyship is leadership. There is no shortage of leadership books. Most focus on the importance of being self-aware and leading by example, self-awareness about understanding our lived experiences and biases. Because most of us have affinity bias ('like me' bias), we also have networks that are like us. Ninety five percent of people have like-me networks and 90% of people hire people from their networks, according to HubSpot research. Hiring managers are more likely to choose people they would like to have lunch with versus objectively qualified for the job. This is an opportunity for improved leadership through allyship. This reinforces the need for allies to broaden networks and grant equitable access to power and resources.
The time is now to address this most certain business problem. Inclusion is non-negotiable for Generation Z. I have frequent conversations with my business school students and can tell you with certainty that younger generations were raised to care about and discuss social issues, and that does not stop in the workplace. Like a cake that has already been baked, inclusive values are inside Generation Z; there is no removing it. If you want to be relevant to future generations as a leader, consider this your call to action to allyship.
What small step will you take today to share your power? August 8 is International Allyship Day. Celebrate and engage people with power in allyship and inclusion.
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Forbes
17 hours ago
- Forbes
Allyship Is Leadership: Why People With Power Are An Untapped Resource
Flat vector illustration. Coqual, a research firm focused on inclusion, published the 'What Majority Men Really Think About Diversity and Inclusion' report to help understand how dominant group members felt about diversity and inclusion. Their report revealed an interesting finding. In response to the question, 'How important is diversity and inclusion to you at work?' only 10% said it was not important at all, 48% responded not very or somewhat important, with 42% saying very or extremely important. Coqual labeled these groups accordingly: 10% detractors, 48% persuadables, and 42% true believers. Based on this data, dominant group members appear to be open to diversity and inclusion, despite the perceptions of backlash and corporate retreat. The motivator for these persuadables: leaders who buy into the value proposition of diversity, inclusion, and the core tenets of allyship are 62% more likely to occupy the C-suite. Coqual's findings are consistent with qualitative data my team has gathered in listening sessions or focus groups. We have facilitated these sessions with middle management in organizations to help understand their perceptions of diversity and inclusion. The primary barrier for allyship is the lack of time or prioritization by the organization for them to attend allyship training or Employee Resource Group inclusion programs, followed by a lack of clear direction on what to say or do, resulting in inaction. These hopeful allies often want to be inclusive yet struggle to prioritize the time necessary to educate themselves and show up intentionally and consistently. Allyship Benefits As a social species, humans feel pressure to conform to social expectations, to be helpful and valued by the community. It was and still is necessary for our survival. We have evolved through being in groups and cannot survive alone; we need each other. Allyship principles hit this deep primal need to be relevant to others, to belong, to be a part of something bigger than us. Mental Health America's research indicates 'that those who consistently help other people experience less depression, greater calm, fewer pains, and better health. They may even live longer.' If you want to be happier and live longer, start with relationships. Try being a better ally. The benefits of allyship come in two primary forms, the human case and the business case, or research-backed evidence that diversity and inclusion lead to better outcomes. The human case is more emotional and stickier. It starts by examining your core values, your personal and professional relationships, and your own experiences with people of different backgrounds and lived experiences. In Potentia Talent Consulting Limited's February 2025 Male Allyship survey, they found the primary benefits of allyship were increased trust, connections, and ability to work across different cultures. In a fast-paced global economy, these skills are revered. In my allyship workshops, I usually share my ally why as an example. Allyship is personal for me. As a mother of a child with autism and an LGBTQ+ child and mental health issues present in my family, allyship is a way of life. I want the world to be fairer and more inclusive for my family. I also share a story about my daughter drawing a picture of her playing with a friend. It was the summer of 2020, the height of the Black Lives Matter movement, and we had just gotten a box of the new culturally diverse skin tone crayons. Jane, six years old at the time, drew a child of color asking them to be her friend, unprompted. When I inquired about the drawing, she simply replied, 'I want friends that are different from me.' Allyship in principle is so simple, children get it intuitively. It's as we age that we unlearn our curiosity and this deeply primal need for connection. As you reflect on your personal ally why, consider both the human case and the business case. I find that both are critically important to center in your allyship journey. One of my clients, Forté Foundation, an organization that promotes gender equality and allyship in higher education, has led a men as allies program since 2016. One of the first activities they recommend to senior male executives is conducting an interview with someone with different identities from themselves. Hundreds of alumni over the years have validated that this activity was most impactful for them as an ally. In their program, Forté recommends that the man ask a woman in their life about their personal experiences with their gender identity through a series of semi-structured open-ended questions that start with what or how. Consider facilitating a conversation with someone different from yourself by asking: A strong word of caution here. Please do not interview someone you have not already built trust with; it may have a negative effect on the relationship. Also, do not only talk to your children, especially your daughters. Having a daughter is one reason to be an ally, but it needs to go deeper than that. The business case for diversity and inclusion is strong. McKinsey & Company is best known for their bi-annual Diversity Matters report. Since 2015, they have reported significantly higher probabilities of higher profitability associated with diversity and inclusion. Their 2024 report found a 39% higher chance of profitability with a gender and ethnically diverse leadership team compared to industry peers. What other opportunity in business could give you this type of return? The caveat is that diverse representation is not enough to achieve these outcomes. The organization also needs to have an inclusive environment to fully feel this impact. Diversity does not work without inclusion. Thus, the need for allies. Boston Consulting Group's study on How Diverse Teams Boost Innovation's biggest takeaway is a 'statistically significant correlation between the diversity of management teams and overall innovation. Companies that reported above-average diversity on their management teams also reported innovation revenue that was 19% higher than that of companies with below-average leadership diversity: 45% of total revenue versus just 26%.' In a hypercompetitive world where it is easy to copy a product, service, or price overnight, an inclusive culture is much more of a sustainable competitive advantage. It takes time to build and maintain an inclusive culture, making it difficult for a competitor to copy quickly. Perhaps the strongest evidence we have for the business case for diversity and inclusion is the newest generation entering the workforce: Generation Z. Born 1997 to 2012, Gen Z is unlike previous generations that were less likely to question authority and abide by workplace norms. They were raised in a much different environment. Growing up in the height of immigration in the United States, there is no majority race for Gen Z and they increasingly see gender as fluid or a continuum rather than a binary. The world is not black or white or women or men to them. I teach a class on inclusive leadership at the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University, and my students teach me that they were raised in a diverse environment and expect inclusion of differences. That is an important distinction for leaders who hope to be relevant to future consumers and employees. study validates this with 83% of Gen Z prioritizing diversity and inclusion when deciding where to apply for employment. Allyship is about relevance. There is also a misperception that diversity and inclusion is costly and only benefits certain groups. More often, what works better for some people works better for all people. When curb cuts went into effect in 1990 with the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act, bikeriders, stroller users, and small children also benefited, not just people in wheelchairs. Closed captions for people with hearing disabilities also benefit others who are visual learners. Texting was initially intended for people with hearing disabilities and now is a widely used form of communication we all benefit from. Despite its lack of popularity and the Supreme Court overturning affirmative action in 2023, white women benefited the most from affirmative action, receiving 63% of diversity and inclusion leadership roles over the time period it was administered. Inclusion rarely impacts a small group of people; it often benefits dominant groups too. Oppression hurts everyone, not just historically marginalized groups. Citigroup found racism costs $16T due to systemic issues of redlining affecting lending, wages, and housing. This hurts everyone when some groups are not able to fully participate in society. Making environments more neuroinclusive also benefits neurotypical people who also experience sensory overload. Homophobia and transphobia limit the ability to serve a $1T LGBTQ+ market. Just because you may not agree with or even fully understand someone else's identities should not prevent you from trying to be an ally. I will forever be an ally in training, as someone who has studied and taught inclusion for over ten years. Allyship SWOT Analysis At this point, I realize I have made a big assumption that you are ready to be an ally. If you have processed your fears and acknowledged that your power is a way for you to be helpful, you are likely ready for allyship. If you still are harboring fears or are unconvinced of the power you hold, maybe hit pause before moving forward. Performative allyship often creates more harm than good. Ally is not a perfect term. To act as an ally, you do not need to call yourself an ally. In fact, it is ill-advised to self-proclaim to be an ally. Allyship is in the eye of the beholder. Consider labeling yourself as an aspiring ally to help marginalized communities know you are open to support and sharing your power. There is no consensus on what we call people who are helpful to others who are different from themselves. I have conducted two informal polls on LinkedIn with this question in mind, what do we call people who help others different from themselves, in 2017 and 2025 and got mixed results both times. There is no one preferred word, with the most votes going to call them nothing at all or simple terms like 'good human.' People also prefer manbassador, accomplice, femannist, or advocate, yet there is no consensus on the word we use. I'm indifferent on what we call it, but we do need language to describe this behavior. If allyship was more common, I would agree we wouldn't need a word for it. The reality is we need language to describe these concepts. Without language, meaning is lost. Leadership has been well researched and studied. In 2016, Deloitte coined the six signature traits of inclusive leadership: cognizance or self-awareness, curiosity, cultural intelligence, commitment, courage, and collaboration. Rarely are leaders effective at all of these trades. Usually, there's a basket of strengths and those that you might choose to develop. In fact, self-awareness is shockingly low for leaders, with 85% of people claiming to be self-aware and only 15% have achieved that status, according to research by Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist and author. The Intercultural Development Inventory (IDI) measures cultural competency using five stages of development for inclusive leadership or allyship. Reflect on this continuum and be honest about where you might be now. Most people progress through these cultural competencies at their own pace. For some, the human case and business case can accelerate the process through denial and polarization. That is where fear and refusal to acknowledge power live. Having a strong why is essential before doing the work of acceptance and adaptation. Be honest about the stage that you are currently occupying, and remember you may occupy different stages in considering different identities or lived experiences of others. There are no shortcuts or fast forward buttons, as allyship is a practice. 'Success' might be considered not naming yourself as an ally, but rather being called an ally by someone in a community you want to impact. It's important to acknowledge each phase as a chance to be in an ally and realize that people can move toward greater skill, and move back to learning mode again, when they encounter challenges. The agility, humility, and curiosity of the aspiring inclusive leader is the key. One of my favorite exercises to facilitate as a part of an allyship program is what I call an allyship SWOT analysis. Like business, the S stands for your personal strengths, W represents your personal weaknesses, O's are opportunities to leverage your strengths, and T's are threats you need to mitigate for your weaknesses. Reflect on previous chapters, thinking about your fears as your weaknesses and access points to power as your strengths. Complete your allyship SWOT with guiding questions below: We know that with exposure to diversity, an inclusive mindset usually follows. Psychologists call this 'exposure therapy,' where they attempt to get their patients to increase their exposure to experiences they are fearful of to help lower their fear and anxiety through exposure over time. For diversity, this can also work when done intentionally, consistently, and gradually over time. For many Americans, university or their first job is their first experience with diversity. For me, that was my first corporate job working as a warehouse supervisor. For the first time, I was working with people from vastly different backgrounds, racially, culturally, and socioeconomically. At first, I felt those differences viscerally. I was anxious and fearful. Over time, as I got to know people as humans, I learned to embrace those differences. It made our team stronger. We ultimately won the coveted chairman's award for our team's engagement, a 95% score where industry averages hovered around 70%, an achievement that we would not have had without a diverse and inclusive workforce. Employee engagement is highly correlated with business performance. Highly engaged teams are 21% more profitable than organizations with low levels of engagement. Engaged companies grow profits up to three times faster than their competitors. As an ally, lean into your strengths and try to overcome your weaknesses. Expose yourself proactively to people and experiences that are different. It will make you a better ally, and a more effective leader. Allyship Is Leadership Reflect when you have been a part of a diverse and inclusive team, weren't the outcomes better? If you are unsure, this is what it looks like when you have a diverse and inclusive group: Allyship is leadership. There is no shortage of leadership books. Most focus on the importance of being self-aware and leading by example, self-awareness about understanding our lived experiences and biases. Because most of us have affinity bias ('like me' bias), we also have networks that are like us. Ninety five percent of people have like-me networks and 90% of people hire people from their networks, according to HubSpot research. Hiring managers are more likely to choose people they would like to have lunch with versus objectively qualified for the job. This is an opportunity for improved leadership through allyship. This reinforces the need for allies to broaden networks and grant equitable access to power and resources. The time is now to address this most certain business problem. Inclusion is non-negotiable for Generation Z. I have frequent conversations with my business school students and can tell you with certainty that younger generations were raised to care about and discuss social issues, and that does not stop in the workplace. Like a cake that has already been baked, inclusive values are inside Generation Z; there is no removing it. If you want to be relevant to future generations as a leader, consider this your call to action to allyship. What small step will you take today to share your power? August 8 is International Allyship Day. Celebrate and engage people with power in allyship and inclusion.
Yahoo
7 days ago
- Yahoo
13 Phrases That Make You Sound Emotionally Unavailable
When you're trying to connect with someone, the last thing you want is to come off as emotionally unavailable. It's not always easy to spot these moments in ourselves. Sometimes, the words we choose can make us seem distant even when we don't mean to. Here are 13 phrases that can unintentionally push people away and how they might be interpreted by others. By being mindful of these, you might find it easier to open up and foster deeper relationships. 1. "I'm Just Not Good With Feelings." When you say you're not good with feelings, it can come across as a way to dodge emotional conversations. It can signal to others that you're not willing to put in the effort to express yourself, which might make them feel undervalued. Experts like Dr. Brené Brown emphasize the importance of vulnerability in building connections. According to her research, vulnerability is essential for fostering trust and intimacy in relationships. When you dismiss your ability to deal with emotions, it might seem like you're closing the door on these fundamental aspects. Not being good with feelings is a common sentiment, but it can create a wall between you and others. It can be helpful to acknowledge this and express a willingness to improve rather than just accepting it as a permanent state. Saying something like, "I struggle with sharing my feelings, but I'm willing to try," can make a big difference. It shows a willingness to engage and grow, which can be incredibly appealing and reassuring to those around you. Remember, it's not about being flawless, but about being open to development. 2. "I'm Fine." The phrase "I'm fine" can be a conversation stopper, especially when it's clear that you're anything but fine. This statement can be a way to avoid opening up about what's truly going on beneath the surface. It's often used as a shield to protect oneself from vulnerability or further questioning. However, it can also leave the other person feeling shut out, as if their concern or interest in your well-being is unwelcome. This can create a disconnect and make it hard for relationships to deepen. If you tend to default to "I'm fine," consider exploring why it feels challenging to share more. It might be beneficial to practice offering a bit more information, such as "I've had better days," or "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, but thank you for asking." This approach opens the door for connection and support. People appreciate honesty, and sharing just a little more can invite more meaningful interactions. Ultimately, breaking the habit of hiding behind "I'm fine" can pave the way for more authentic connections. 3. "I Don't Need Anyone." Saying "I don't need anyone" can come off as a declaration of emotional independence, but it can also feel like a rejection to those who care about you. This statement can resonate with a sense of isolation or self-reliance that might be misinterpreted as aloofness. In a study by Dr. John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago, he found that humans are inherently social creatures, and relationships play a pivotal role in our mental health. When you claim not to need anyone, it can be perceived as a denial of this fundamental human connection. Even if you feel self-sufficient, expressing it in this way can make others feel unnecessary or unwanted. It might be healthier to recognize and communicate the value of having others in your life, even if you don't rely on them for everything. You could say, "I value my independence, but I also appreciate having people I can rely on." This acknowledges your self-reliance while still valuing the presence of others. It helps maintain a balance that respects your independence and the importance of human connection. 4. "I Don't Have Time For This." When you say, "I don't have time for this," it might sound like you're prioritizing other things over someone's feelings or the relationship itself. This phrase can make someone feel like an inconvenience or a low priority in your life. It suggests that whatever is happening isn't worthy of your attention. Over time, this attitude can drive a wedge between you and those who want to be close to you. Relationships require time and attention, and dismissing them can lead to misunderstanding and conflict. If you truly don't have time at the moment, it's more constructive to express it differently. For example, you could say, "I'm really swamped right now, but I want to make time for this. Can we talk later?" This not only shows that you care about the issue at hand but also that you're willing to make space for it in your schedule. It conveys respect for both your time and the other person's feelings. By being clear about your availability, you can avoid making someone feel like they're not worth your time. 5. "That's Just How I Am." Declaring "that's just how I am" can make it seem like you're unwilling to change or grow. This phrase might be perceived as a refusal to engage in personal development or compromise in relationships. Dr. Carol Dweck's work on the growth mindset suggests that adopting a mindset open to change and improvement can significantly affect personal and professional relationships. By stating you're just a certain way, it conveys a fixed mindset that can be off-putting to those who value adaptability and growth. Understanding yourself is essential, but it's also important to be open to change, especially in response to feedback from those you care about. Rather than shutting down the conversation, consider saying, "I know I have this tendency, but I'm working on it." This acknowledges your current state but also shows a willingness to evolve. It can make a big difference in how others perceive your openness to change. Embracing growth can lead to more rewarding and lasting connections. 6. "Whatever." The word "whatever" is often used to dismiss a topic or conversation, which can be incredibly frustrating for others. It can make you seem uninterested or unwilling to engage with what's being discussed. This phrase can have a dismissive tone that communicates a lack of respect for the other person's perspective or feelings. Over time, it can erode trust and create emotional distance. People might start feeling that their concerns or opinions don't matter to you. Instead of brushing things off with "whatever," try to offer a more thoughtful response. Even if you're not particularly invested in the subject, acknowledging the other person's feelings can go a long way. You might say, "I'm not sure I agree, but I'd like to understand where you're coming from." This keeps the dialogue open and shows that you're willing to engage. By replacing "whatever" with a more constructive approach, you can maintain a stronger emotional connection. 7. "I'm Too Busy For This." When you say, "I'm too busy for this," it can imply that you don't value the person or the relationship enough to make time for it. This phrase might make others feel like they're not important or worth your attention. According to a study by Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University, feeling valued and supported is crucial for strong interpersonal relationships. By dismissing someone with busyness, you might unintentionally undermine their sense of importance in your life. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it's better to communicate that in a way that respects the other person's needs. You could say, "I'm really busy right now, but this is important to me. Can we find a time that works for both of us?" This approach shows that you're not dismissing their concerns and are committed to making space for them. It's a way to balance your busy schedule with maintaining healthy relationships. Remember, being busy doesn't have to mean emotionally unavailable. 8. "It Is What It Is." "It is what it is" can be a conversation ender, suggesting resignation and a lack of willingness to discuss things further. This phrase implies that there's nothing to be done, which can be frustrating for those looking for engagement or solutions. It might make others feel like you're not invested in finding a way forward. Over time, this attitude can contribute to feelings of helplessness or stagnation in relationships. People may start to feel like their concerns aren't worth addressing. If you often find yourself resorting to "it is what it is," consider looking for ways to continue the conversation constructively. You could say, "This is the situation, but I'm open to discussing what we can do about it." This communicates that while you recognize the reality, you're also willing to explore options and work together. It shows a proactive approach to problem-solving and collaboration. By shifting your language, you can foster more dynamic and engaged interactions. 9. "I'm Not Ready For This." When you say, "I'm not ready for this," it can indicate hesitancy or fear of facing certain emotions or situations. This phrase might make others feel like you're not fully present or committed to the relationship. While it's okay not to be ready, communicating it in this way can leave others feeling uncertain or rejected. Over time, consistently expressing unreadiness can create a barrier to intimacy and trust. It can make the other person question whether you'll ever be ready to engage fully. Instead of dismissing the situation with unreadiness, try expressing your feelings more openly. You might say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, but I want to work through this." This approach acknowledges your current state while also expressing a willingness to engage and move forward. It can be reassuring to those who care about you, showing that you're not closing off possibilities. By being honest about your feelings, you can create a path for healthier communication and connection. 10. "It's Not A Big Deal." Saying, "It's not a big deal," can minimize what someone else perceives as significant. This phrase can make others feel like their feelings or concerns are being dismissed. While something might not seem important to you, it could be crucial to someone else. This dismissal can lead to resentment or feelings of invalidation over time. It's important to recognize that different people have different perspectives on what's important. If you find yourself saying this often, consider acknowledging the other person's feelings instead. You could say, "It may not seem big to me, but I understand it's important to you." This shows that you respect their perspective and are willing to engage with it. It also fosters a sense of empathy and understanding, which are key ingredients for healthy relationships. By validating others' feelings, you can build a foundation of trust and respect. 11. "You Know How I Am." The phrase "you know how I am" can be used to justify certain behaviors or reactions. While it might feel like a way to explain yourself, it can also come off as a refusal to take responsibility or change. Over time, this can wear on relationships, making others feel like they have to accommodate your unchanging behavior. It can create a static dynamic where growth and improvement are stifled. This can lead to frustration and a sense of being stuck. Instead of using this phrase, try to take accountability for your actions. You might say, "I know I tend to do this, and I'm working on it." This approach shows self-awareness and a commitment to growth. It can be refreshing and encouraging for those around you who might feel impacted by these behaviors. By expressing a willingness to change, you can foster more dynamic and supportive relationships. 12. "I Can't Help It." Saying "I can't help it" can sound like you're denying any responsibility for your actions or feelings. This phrase can make others feel like you're not willing to try to change or improve the situation. It might be seen as a way to avoid accountability, which can be frustrating for those affected by your behavior. Over time, this can erode trust and create a sense of helplessness in relationships. People might start feeling like they're dealing with someone who isn't interested in growth. If you find yourself saying "I can't help it," consider reframing it to show a willingness to change. You could say, "I struggle with this, but I'm working on finding better ways to handle it." This shows that you're aware of the issue and are making an effort to address it. It can be encouraging for others to see that you're committed to personal development. By shifting your language, you can promote healthier and more trusting interactions. 13. "I Just Don't Care." The phrase "I just don't care" can be a conversation killer, making it seem like you're indifferent to the topic or the person. This statement can be hurtful, as it implies a lack of interest or investment. It might make others feel like their feelings or concerns are not worth your time. Over time, this attitude can create distance and erode the connection between you and those who care about you. People want to feel like what they bring to the table matters. If you often say "I just don't care," try to communicate your feelings differently. Instead, you might say, "I'm struggling to engage with this right now, but I'm here for you." This shows that even if you're having difficulty connecting with the topic, you still value the relationship. It helps maintain a sense of support and care that is crucial for healthy relationships. By being more mindful of your language, you can foster a climate of empathy and connection. Solve the daily Crossword
Forbes
20-07-2025
- Forbes
The Invisible Current: How Inclusion And Allyship Unlock Untapped Power
Underwater view with tuna school fish in ocean. Sea life in transparent water For many of us, power feels like an elusive concept, something held by a select few at the top. Yet, what if the truth is far more common? What if, like fish unaware of the water they swim in, most of us possess more power than we realize? This unacknowledged power, when recognized and strategically shared, becomes the bedrock of true inclusion and impactful allyship. In today's dynamic professional landscape, understanding and leveraging this invisible current of power isn't just about doing good; it's about fostering innovation, driving growth, and creating a truly equitable environment for all. From "Power Over" to "Power With": A Paradigm Shift in Allyship The traditional view of power often leans into a "power over" dynamic—a hierarchical model where control and dominance reign. Think of the executive who says, "I'll talk to your manager on your behalf," or the seasoned professional who insists, "I had it hard, so you also must work hard." While seemingly helpful or even motivational, this approach inadvertently reinforces existing power structures and can breed dependency. It centers the aspiring ally, rather than empowering the individual they aim to support. The true essence of allyship, however, lies in shifting to a "power with" mentality. This involves standing shoulder-to-shoulder with others, facing challenges as equal partners. As Bill Carmody, CEO of Trepoint, eloquently shared in our interview for my new book We Want You: An Allyship Guide for People with Power, his allyship journey began with the realization that he possessed rights others did not. This spurred him to consciously recruit more women and people of color, and to actively amplify their voices when they were marginalized. This isn't about giving away power; it's about sharing it, recognizing that power, far from being finite, is an infinite game that strengthens and expands when distributed. Consider the contrast: instead of "I will set up the meeting for you," an ally practicing "power with" might say, "I'll introduce you, and I trust you to manage the meeting. Let me know how I can help." This empowers the individual, fosters autonomy, and builds a more collaborative relationship. It's about brainstorming strategies together, offering empathy, and asking, "What does support look like for you?" This subtle yet profound shift from a top-down approach to a lateral partnership is fundamental to cultivating genuine inclusion. Values-Centered Allyship: Connecting Beliefs to Action At the heart of effective allyship lies a deep alignment with shared values. Instead of dwelling on differences, true inclusion through allyship focuses on recognizing and centering common values. According to the Schwartz Theory of Basic Values, our values are deeply held beliefs that shape our motivations and behavior. They are not merely abstract concepts but powerful drivers of our actions. For instance, if "security" is a core value, an ally might prioritize creating a safe and stable environment for colleagues, becoming a trusted confidante for challenges. If "universalism" resonates, as it did in the gay marriage example, the focus shifts to understanding, appreciating, and protecting the welfare of all people. The key is to move beyond mere proclamations and embody these values through concrete actions. An organization that prioritizes core values can foster inclusion by unpacking the specific behaviors that support them. When values like respect, trust, or belonging are clearly connected to inclusive behaviors, it encourages more individuals to step up as allies. It's about making a habit of connecting your actions, and those of your team, to these inclusive values. The Responsibility of Power: A Call to Allyship Leaders, by virtue of their position and influence, inherently wield significant power. Jeffrey Pfeffer's "7 Rules of Power" distinguishes between formal power, derived from job titles, and informal power, which stems from personal qualities, relationships, and expertise. Regardless of its source, power presents a profound opportunity to help others. Rather than viewing it as a negative or something to hoard, we should reframe power as a chance to be an ally. The challenge, however, is that power can often feel invisible to those who possess it. Like the fish in the water, it can be difficult for those in dominant groups (e.g., white, male, financially secure) to recognize that their lived experiences and access to resources may differ significantly from others. As an allyship trainer, I like an identity exercise, like the one licensed from the Cultural Intelligence Center, can make this invisible power visible. By reflecting on various identities—race, gender, socioeconomic class, abilities, and more—and assessing how safe one feels expressing them in the workplace, individuals can uncover unconscious biases and power differentials. It's crucial to understand that the goal of this self-awareness isn't to induce guilt or shame but to acknowledge the power that comes from proximity to other powerful individuals or from simply being part of a dominant group. While being in a dominant group doesn't guarantee access to power, it often confers the benefit of the doubt and predisposes others to assume power, even in the absence of a formal title. Consider the sales leader who unconsciously defaulted to engaging with dominant-group-presenting individuals in a mixed group, misreading the room and ultimately losing sales opportunities. This highlights the real "opportunity cost of exclusion": lost sales, reduced profits, and diminished impact. Or, another well-intentioned leader who was "flabbergasted" when his female staff member asked him to present her idea because "they will take it more seriously if it comes from you." This raw moment revealed the ingrained power dynamics at play. Instead of simply presenting others' ideas as their own (a "power over" approach), allies share their power. That might mean inviting others to the meeting and pre-endorsing their ideas, using their influence to amplify others' voice. By ensuring proper credit, the "power with" approach creates more opportunity for everyone involved. Unlocking Your Potential for Allyship If you're still not convinced of your own power, or if you're unsatisfied with the quality of your relationships, the good news is that practicing allyship might be the perfect solution. It's about deepening existing relationships, building new and stronger connections, and ultimately, using your power for good. Harvard's study on happiness finds that relationships are the biggest driver of happiness. Want to be happier? Try being a better ally to others. No one has life easy. Allies refuse to let their own hardships define the experiences of others. Instead, they transform their past struggles into fuel for preventing similar difficulties for others. "If I had it hard, what could I do to prevent that from happening to other people?" This reframing is the essence of compassionate allyship. It's time to discard the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality, which falsely assumes equal access to power and resources. Not everyone has bootstraps because not everyone is swimming in the same water. Practical Steps to Power-Sharing for Inclusion You possess power, and you can use it to foster inclusion. Here are concrete actions to reframe power as an opportunity for allyship: These actions, though seemingly small, create significant ripples. A single email, a meeting invitation, or a supportive mention can achieve more in seconds than others might accomplish in weeks. By intentionally including others and sharing your power, you enhance your own relevance, enrich your team's perspective, and contribute to the overall success and profitability of your organization. Power, when wielded for good, is undeniably a force for good. It's an open invitation to embrace your role as an ally and create a more inclusive and equitable world. What small step will you take today to share your power? August 8 is International Allyship Day. Celebrate and engage people with power in allyship and inclusion.
