My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn't sign up to be celibate
DEAR DEIDRE My sexless marriage is pushing me into an affair with another woman – I didn't sign up to be celibate
Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window)
Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife's total lack of interest in sex is pushing me into an affair with another woman.
I have tried talking to her about it, but she just told me to buy myself a male sex toy if I felt that frustrated.
I've tried everything to make her want me again. I didn't sign up to be celibate, so is it wrong for me to look elsewhere for sexual fulfilment?
I'm 42 and my wife is 44. We've been married for 15 years and have three children.
We always had a healthy, regular sex life. But since our last child was born three years ago, there has not been any intimacy at all.
She says she has no desire for sex and thinks our only focus should be on the kids. When I try to be affectionate in bed, she pushes me away, turns over and goes to sleep.
The problem is, I still have a very high sex drive.
I think about sex all the time, so I feel constantly rejected and frustrated.
I don't want a best friend and co-parent I live with. I want a wife and a lover.
I'd be willing to compromise and have sex even just once a week — as I've told her — but she won't consider it.
I've never cheated on her and I don't want to leave her for another woman.
But her refusal to have sex is making me start to think about straying.
Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
When I mentioned this was where my brain was going, hoping it might push her into dealing with our problem, she just changed the subject.
Recently, I've been going online and talking to another woman.
She's also in an unhappy relationship and has made it clear her sex drive almost certainly matches mine.
I'm now on the brink of arranging a time and a place to meet her.
I can't stop fantasising about it. Would it be so wrong?
DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage. It's unsurprising that your wife's lack of desire is making you unhappy.
She may be content to 'shut up shop', but she seems to be in denial about the effect this is having on you. That's unfair.
This doesn't mean an affair is a good idea, or a solution. It will only cause many more problems.
It's your wife you want. So before jumping into bed with someone else, ask her if she'd agree to counselling so you can talk openly and honestly and try to find ways to resolve this.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org) to make an appointment.
If she won't agree to discuss this, then you need to think about whether your marriage has a future.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
THANK YOU FOR...ADVICE ON LEAVING ALCOHOLIC HUBBY
DEAR DEIDRE: YEARS of being in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic had left me depressed, lonely and with no hope for the future, so I wrote to you.
All I had in my life was work, but because I had to pay for everything, my salary was gone before I knew it.
My husband had driven all our friends away. We'd been married for 25 years. I'm 50 and he's 53.
I tried talking to him about it, but he didn't listen. He clearly had no interest in me, only in his bottles of wine.
As I blamed myself for being in this mess, I felt I couldn't burden my family with my woes.
You were so sympathetic and understanding, reassuring me that the situation was not my fault. You advised me to see my GP and to reach out to my family and old friends, saying they would want to hear from me and that I needed human connections in order to change things.
You also sent me your support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker.
Finally, you gently suggested I might need to think about exiting my marriage.
I've started saving up so I can eventually leave, and I've joined some local groups to make friends.
Thank you, Deidre, for making me see I deserve better and have a future.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you're no longer resigned to a life of misery. I hope things continue to get better for you.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE a huge crush on a boy in the year above me at school.
I know I love him, but there are so many prettier girls in his class, I don't think he'll ever feel the same.
I'm 13 and he's nearly 15. Sometimes, I tell myself he's flirting with me but, really, I think he's just being friendly.
I can't talk to anyone about this. My friends would tease me. I think about him so much,
I can't concentrate at school. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Crushes are very normal, so you have no need to feel embarrassed.
It's best to get to know him as a friend and take things slowly. If you have common interests, perhaps you could casually suggest going to the cinema or grabbing a soft drink together.
My support pack, Learning To Love, will tell you more about developing a relationship.
TOXIC MOTHER HARMING MY KIDS LIKE SHE DID WITH ME
DEAR DEIDRE: IS it time for me to cut my toxic mother out of my life for good?
She has always bullied me and her behaviour is now affecting my kids, too.
Last time we visited, she kicked us out of her house!
I'm 38 and have three young children. My own childhood was miserable because she was so cruel.
She made me feel useless, stupid and ugly. My older sister, on the other hand, could do no wrong.
I left home at 16 because I couldn't stand it any more, and I've been independent ever since. But I've tried to maintain a relationship with her.
I guess I'm always hoping she'll see I'm a good person who has made a success of my life and start being kinder. I'm jealous of my friends who have good, loving relationships with their mums.
Last weekend, I took my children to visit her for her birthday. We made an effort to look nice and brought gifts.
Within a few hours, she was being nasty, making racist remarks – one of my kids is mixed race – and had my youngest in tears. When I finally stood up to her, she threw us out of her house, saying we were trash.
I've realised she is evil and will never change. I don't want her to destroy my children's self-esteem the way she destroyed mine.
Would it be wrong for me to break off contact for good?
DEIDRE SAYS: You've tried again and again to win your mother's love and respect.
In return, she's treated you – and now your kids – appallingly.
None of this is your fault. You're a strong, capable woman, in spite of her.
Perhaps it's time to accept she won't change and that you'll never have the relationship you crave.
Talking to a counsellor about this may help you to make a decision. My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, explains further.
Get more advice from Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Scottish Sun
11 hours ago
- Scottish Sun
‘Expensive-looking weekend bag at bargain price' goes viral as it's big enough for 2 people & could be a hospital bag
Plus, how much the bag originally cost before the sale BAG A BARGAIN 'Expensive-looking weekend bag at bargain price' goes viral as it's big enough for 2 people & could be a hospital bag IF you have weekend trips coming up, you may wish to pop to Dunelm. The high street retailer is selling a weekender bag for just £17 and people are saying it has space to fit in enough for two people's clothes. 3 Dunelm's Cream & Tan Faux Leather Fold Out Holdall Bag is proving popular with shoppers Credit: Facebook/Extremecouponingandbargainsuk 3 You can pick it up for £17 in the sale Credit: Facebook/Extremecouponingandbargainsuk A bargain hunter took to Facebook to rave about Dunelm's Cream & Tan Faux Leather Fold Out Holdall Bag, which they hailed as 'huge.' They wrote: 'Found this holdall in DUNELM yesterday and it didn't have a tag. 'I was surprised to find it was only £17 at the till! 'It's huge! Will be able to fit mine and my husband's clothes on for a weekend. 'Tried to show size with my daughter's travel pillow, absolutely worth £17!' Not only is the bag said to be 'huge' - measuring 33cm x 29cm x 54cm - but the shopper also loved the design. They added: 'And it looks lovely and expensive. 'It's a leather like material.' The chic bag has a cream design, with tan straps and gold zips. According to the description it is 'perfect for weekends away' and 'folds out flat'. Dunelm shoppers are scrambling to their local store and their 'massive sale' kicks off with posh glasses for 89p and £8 gadgets to keep the Spring chill out The Dunelm website added: 'This faux leather holdall-style bag is the perfect companion for weekends away. 'With a stylish cream and tan colourway and classic design, this bag screams sophistication.' Many people on the Extreme Couponing and Bargains UK page seemed impressed at the bargain find. One person said they felt it would make the perfect 'hospital bag'. 3 You can get the bag on Click & Collect from Dunelm Credit: Getty Another wrote: 'I got this bag on Tuesday, bargain price. Really needed a nice weekender bag.' And a third commented: 'Thank you just ordered!' Originally the bag was priced at £35, but is currently half price in their 50 per cent off sale. It's currently available for Click & Collect, if you wish to order it online.
The Sun
11 hours ago
- The Sun
‘Expensive-looking weekend bag at bargain price' goes viral as it's big enough for 2 people & could be a hospital bag
IF you have weekend trips coming up, you may wish to pop to Dunelm. The high street retailer is selling a weekender bag for just £17 and people are saying it has space to fit in enough for two people's clothes. 3 3 A bargain hunter took to Facebook to rave about Dunelm's Cream & Tan Faux Leather Fold Out Holdall Bag, which they hailed as 'huge.' They wrote: 'Found this holdall in DUNELM yesterday and it didn't have a tag. 'I was surprised to find it was only £17 at the till! 'It's huge! Will be able to fit mine and my husband's clothes on for a weekend. 'Tried to show size with my daughter's travel pillow, absolutely worth £17!' Not only is the bag said to be 'huge' - measuring 33cm x 29cm x 54cm - but the shopper also loved the design. They added: 'And it looks lovely and expensive. 'It's a leather like material.' The chic bag has a cream design, with tan straps and gold zips. According to the description it is 'perfect for weekends away' and 'folds out flat'. Dunelm shoppers are scrambling to their local store and their 'massive sale' kicks off with posh glasses for 89p and £8 gadgets to keep the Spring chill out The Dunelm website added: 'This faux leather holdall-style bag is the perfect companion for weekends away. 'With a stylish cream and tan colourway and classic design, this bag screams sophistication.' Many people on the Extreme Couponing and Bargains UK page seemed impressed at the bargain find. One person said they felt it would make the perfect 'hospital bag'. 3 Another wrote: 'I got this bag on Tuesday, bargain price. Really needed a nice weekender bag.' And a third commented: 'Thank you just ordered!' Originally the bag was priced at £35, but is currently half price in their 50 per cent off sale. It's currently available for Click & Collect, if you wish to order it online. Dunelm's top interior design trends for 2025 Maximalism Maximalism is about unleashing your creativity and bringing joy to everything around you, day in and day out. Bold pattern combinations of florals, checks and geometrics set the tone with a bright joyous colour palette that holds everything together. Don't mistake Maximalism for having loads of stuff, it's about mixing and matching florals, layering key pieces and storytelling throughout your home, and ultimately doing things your own way. Dunelm's new collaboration with Sophie Robinson is all about that. Minimaluxe The interiors world has witnessed the evolution of "minimalism" into a richer, more luxurious iteration. The goal is quiet luxury - simplicity with a sense of sophistication. Minimaluxe focuses on creating spaces that are pared down yet warm, elegant, and inviting. Gloriously tactile textures, in a palette of warm neutrals, with hints of caramel and gold, complete the look. Introducing softer forms and round edges to avoid a space feeling overly stark The Edit Built on the philosophy that having fewer thoughtfully designed and well-made things helps us leave a lighter imprint on the earth. Interior design is shifting to be inspired by the natural world, and all its perfect imperfections. Take Dunelm's The Edited Life collection, it focuses on natural materials like wicker, jute and linens - as well as décor pieces and hand-thrown pottery vessels that feature forms dictated by the artisan's mark. Soft relaxed fabric textures mixed with uneven wood grains help bring this neutral, look together. New Nouveau Blending 19th century inspired maximalism with a contemporary colour palette this collection takes inspiration from the ornamental art form from the Nouveau era. Rich and luxurious, blending a little bit of history with a more modern aesthetic you can mix and layer into your home. Stylised Lily motifs adorn sumptuous textiles and wallpapers mixed with marbling & stained glass vintage style lighting for a vintage inspired look, with a modern twist.
Scottish Sun
20 hours ago
- Scottish Sun
I've kitted out my entire home with Facebook Marketplace buys – I saved £619 on a luxe chair & my mirrors were only £10
You'll be shocked at how much I paid for my posh light HOUSE THAT I've kitted out my entire home with Facebook Marketplace buys – I saved £619 on a luxe chair & my mirrors were only £10 WITH the cost of living continuing to soar, there's no doubt that my purse is feeling tighter than ever before. But who said my home had to suffer? Thanks to Facebook Marketplace, I've been able to kit out my entire home with bargain buys. 10 Here, Abigail Wilson shares her favourite bargain buys from Facebook Marketplace Credit: Abigail Wilson As well as stocking up on furniture for my bedroom and living room, I've also transformed my hallway too. Not only have I saved hundreds of pounds in the process, but I haven't had to scrimp on style either. I've found all sorts of purse-friendly finds - from posh leaner mirrors to a stunning sideboard. I've spent a total of £590 on my pieces, which may seem like a lot, but you'll be stunned to know that I saved a hefty £619 on just one chair alone. Whilst in the process of saving up for a deposit to buy a property, spending thousands on furniture is of course, out of the question. So if you need some inspiration on how to transform your pad without running out of cash, you've come to the right place and will need to listen up. Sit down for this For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of having a Kartell chair. 10 This £654 chair was only £35 Credit: Supplied But with a price tag of £654, I convinced myself that owning one would never be a reality. For years I was constantly refreshing Facebook Marketplace, desperate to find the Louis Ghost Philippe Starck transparent chair. Then, one day I managed to spot one for just £35, saving me a jaw-dropping £619. I made a DIY fence for £68 with pallets from Facebook Marketplace - it gives more privacy & people say it's 'fantastic' Light it up Not only had I long wished for a Kartell chair for my bedroom, but a lamp from the same brand was also high up on my wishlist. 10 The lamp was down to £50 after a bit of haggling Credit: Supplied However, with a spine-tingling price tag of £349, it was another luxury buy I simply couldn't afford. I'd searched high and low to find a second-hand Kartell Bourgie Table Lamp, not just on Facebook Marketplace, but on a variety of other second-hand sites too, but they were often listed for £200 plus. Luckily, I was able to spot one from Facebook Marketplace for £75 and somehow managed to wangle a £25 discount, bagging it for just £50, saving myself an impressive £299. Bedder believe it While you can find a standard bedside from £15 online, I spent ages searching for a French-style buy. 10 I got two of these bedside tables for £20 each Credit: Supplied But many were over £200 and some racked up to £300. Luckily, I got my hands on two matching bedside tables from Facebook for just £40 for both. Yes, they're non-branded, but if you ask me, they look great and they're brilliant quality too. Top tips when buying on Facebook Marketplace Be scammer-aware As a general rule of thumb, deal locally, and face-to-face. If someone asks you to ship an item, be wary. Only use secure methods of payment, look at buyer and seller reviews, and inspect an item closely before purchasing it. Stick to Messenger to communicate as well. Choose wealthy areas to get high-end items at low prices A well-to-do person who is selling something on Marketplace probably doesn't know or doesn't care what their item is worth. This is a jackpot scenario for a buyer. Don't be afraid to haggle If an item has been listed for weeks, offer 25% below the list price. It's likely the seller will counter offer, but you'll still get the item for less than originally priced. Don't send the auto-filled 'Is this item still available?' message If you notice an item is well-priced and desirable, and you really like it, don't wait around. Send a friendly opening message with an offer, and make the transaction hassle-free for the seller. Keep search items as broad as possible Assume the seller doesn't know exactly what they have, where it's from, what the material is, what the design style is, or how much it's worth—and cast a wide net. Fill it up When you walk into my home, there's a huge open space that I was desperate to fill. 10 This sideboard is a real show-stopper Credit: Supplied I'd spotted the Glass Display LED Sideboard from Beliani for £319 and while it's currently been slashed down to £219.99, it was still out of my budget. Thankfully, someone was getting rid of one which was practically brand-new, for only £100. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the listing and yes, it was a bit of a faff squeezing it in my tiny car, but when I got it home, I couldn't stop beaming. Mirror, mirror Large leaner mirrors have been on trend for years now - and while you can nab some from The Range and Dunelm without spending too much, the William Wood full-length mirrors will set shoppers back £249. 10 I've always been a huge fan of leaner mirrors Credit: Supplied 10 These were £100 each from Facebook Credit: Supplied I managed to get two William Wood mirrors from Facebook Marketplace for only £100 each, saving me £298 in total. Of course, you'll need a big car (my mum had to help with this one), or hire a small van to transport them, which can be a bit of a pain. And yes, they still weren't mega cheap, but they're great quality and were pretty much untouched. A standing ovation for this bargain Those new to buying furniture may be surprised to know that TV stands are surprisingly expensive. 10 This TV stand only cost £35 and is originally from M&S Credit: Supplied I was in the dark about this and after browsing the web and seeing TV units for up to £599, I almost fell off my stylish new Kartell chair. I didn't want to break the bank on something so boring and while I wasn't fussed about the brand, I knew I needed something practical. Luckily, I managed to nab this stunning Amersham Corner TV Unit, which is currently sold out from M&S, for just £35, which if you ask me, is a real bargain. Cracking on After months of working from home from my dining room table, I decided it was finally time to invest in a desk. 10 This desk is a big hit with guests Credit: Supplied But in my mind, a desk is a pretty dull piece of furniture to be splashing the cash on. I wasn't too bothered about where it was from or the quality and there were plenty to choose from on Facebook. If you're fine with one from IKEA, there's endless options, but I was left smiling from ear to ear when I found this gorgeous buy for just £40 - and surprisingly, it's something my guests always compliment. Cutting costs on coffee tables There's plenty of glass coffee tables to choose from online, with prices varying massively. Hottest home trends for 2025 Renovations expert Andy Simms, from revealed the hottest interior design trends for this year. COLOUR DRENCHING Colour drenching involves using your colour across walls and ceilings to maximise the impact and create the illusion of a bigger space - doors, radiators, and even furniture won't escape the paint job if you want the full effect. Brown, terracotta, beige - once the preserve of the 70s, earthy colours have been slowly gaining popularity. Similarly, bold greens and blues are also making a return, with the intention of colour drenching rooms. STATEMENT WALLPAPER Wallpaper divides designers, with some loving it and others preferring painted walls. 2025 will see a resurgence of wallpaper, and the bolder the better. For small spaces, such as downstairs loos or studies, choose a bold print and ignore any concerns about making the space look smaller. For larger spaces, consider a stunning mural theme. BROKEN LIVING PLAN Open plan living has been popular for over a decade now, but while it hasn't quite had its day, many are returning to smaller, functional spaces - with a twist. 'Broken plan' is when a bigger space is cut into various parts using screens, archways, crittal-style windows and doors or textured glass. I spotted a stunning Solid Oak and Glass Dining Table on Oak&More for £249, but was gobsmacked when just hours later, I found a strikingly similar alternative for £20 - yes, you heard that correctly. I'm unsure where it was originally from, but for £20, I wasn't going to ask questions. Not only is it a real head-turner, but it's incredibly trendy too. Looking and costing good Don't ask me why, but I'm a big fan of shabby chic wall mirrors. 10 These circular mirrors are super pricey when buying directly through Graham & Green Credit: Supplied Rather than your standard mirror that you'll find in many living rooms around the country, I've always loved collecting pieces that are slightly different. I'm a huge lover of the Graham & Green Convex Glass Porthole Mirrors, but at £165 for a large mirror and £59.95 for a small one, they certainly don't come cheap. Thankfully for my purse, I was able to nab two large mirrors for £50, making them just £25 each, as well as a variety of little ones for only £10 each - and I couldn't be more chuffed. Unlock even more award-winning articles as The Sun launches brand new membership programme - Sun Club
