I'm lesbian and don't want to lose my wife – but I can't seem to stop cheating on her with men
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DEAR DEIDRE: MY wonderful wife and I are lesbians and have been happily married for nine years. So why am I constantly cheating on her, with men?
We're both in our forties and our own sex life is great. We know each other's bodies and responses so we are always mutually satisfied in bed.
It's loving and romantic, and afterwards we cuddle up and fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms.
So I don't understand why, every few months, I place an ad on a no-strings hook-up site and take myself off to cheat on her with men.
Sex with men is different to sex with my wife.
It's urgent and thrilling. I choose positions where I don't have to look them in the eye.
The rougher and more impersonal the sex, the better, and the more I enjoy it.
These men don't respect me, they often talk to me in a disparaging way, and I enjoy it, at the time. I agree with them when they call me 'dirty', or 'disgusting'. I let them use me like a sex toy.
But afterwards I feel a wave of guilt, even while I'm getting dressed. I rush out of the room and call my wife, telling her how much I love her.
I usually stop on my way home to buy her flowers or a little gift.
When I see her, I fall into her arms, terrified that she'll find out and dump me.
But after a few weeks, the feelings begin building up again. And then I find myself scrolling through the site for my next fix.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
I've never had a relationship with a man, and I don't think I want one, but I can't seem to stop this desire.
Tell me what to do. I can't lose my wife — she's my soulmate.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're asking me for tough love so here it is – if you carry on, you will probably lose your wife.
It's only a matter of time before she finds out and I don't predict that she'll be loving and understanding about so many acts of infidelity.
Just because you're cheating on her with men, not other women, it's still cheating.
And putting morality aside, what you are doing is dangerous. You're putting your wife's sexual health at risk, as well as your own.
I urge you to read my support pack called Can't Be Faithful?
I also recommend that you talk about your sexuality to people who will listen without judgment – such as Switchboard (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630).
They can also put you in touch with local counselling, support groups and social networks.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
DAUGHTER FOUND MY IPAD PORN
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my daughter borrowed my iPad she discovered I'd been watching porn.
She immediately told my fiancée (her soon-to-be stepmother). I'm due to get married this summer but now I'm terrified the wedding will be cancelled.
I'm 64, my daughter is 20. This will be my second marriage. My fiancée is 47 and the love of my life. I don't know what I'd do without her.
The worst part is that the woman in the porn video looked very similar to my first wife – the same colouring and the same hairstyle.
My fiancée has always been jealous of the years I spent with my first wife – even though many of them were unhappy – and she suspects I'm still harbouring feelings.
I'm not. It was just the first video I happened across.
My fiancée's libido isn't as strong as mine these days, possibly due to perimenopause. I don't mind, but I occasionally use porn by myself to stop me coming across as a sex pest.
I hadn't logged out of the porn site when my daughter borrowed the iPad. It was still paused on the last video I had watched.
Instead of coming to me, my daughter immediately told my fiancée.
They were both revolted and now neither of them is talking to me.
I'm sleeping in the spare room, and I don't even know if our wedding will be going ahead. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm receiving more and more letters from men struggling with porn-related problems.
Please read my support pack Pornography Worry, which explains why it can become such an issue. It's understandable that your daughter was shocked by her discovery, but this is a private issue between you and your partner.
It's understandable that your daughter was shocked by her discovery, but this is a private issue between you and your partner.
I know emotions are running high, but this doesn't have to mean the end of a happy relationship.
I can't predict the future, but I don't see why, with work, time, honesty and openness, you can't get through this.
Couples counselling might be the best way to start, so you should read my support pack How Counselling Can Help, which explains what it is like and how to access it.
You can also get help at porn addiction clinic The Laurel Centre (thelaurelcentre.co.uk, 0207 965 7302) which runs an online workshop where addicts can learn how to rebuild trust with their partners.
I understand you might not be a porn addict, but the workshop could help you rebuild your relationship.
FEARS FOR SON
DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK my teenage son has autism but I'm struggling to get him support.
He's 14 and his main issue is anxiety. He struggles to leave the house so getting him to school every day is a battle. He seems worried about everything.
He started secondary school with a group of friends he'd had since reception class.
Most have now drifted away because my son never wants to do anything with them.
He wants to stay in his room, gaming. We're on the CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) waiting list. Is there anything else I can do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Anxiety is common in people on the autistic spectrum.
To help your son, create a predictable daily routine you can both follow, and make sure his school knows that you're seeking a diagnosis so that they can help support him in the classroom.
Find additional help via the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk), ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk and the NHS-run resource site called autismcentral.org.uk.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M so scared of my sexual secret being revealed that I've become trapped in a loveless relationship.
I'm 57, my partner is 59 and we've been together for six years. We live together in his tiny house, miles from my family and friends.
We met online and, at first, he seemed romantic and passionate. I fell head over heels. That's probably why I agreed to a threesome when he brought it up after just two months of dating.
I wanted to show him that, even though I'm middle-aged and overweight, I could still be sexy.
The threesome was awkward and embarrassing. He knew the other woman but I didn't and they basically had sex in front of me while I lay there alone.
When he asked me to move in with him I agreed – even though it meant leaving behind everyone I knew, and even my cat.
I gave up my job and got a new one near his house but it pays far less.
We go halves on bills but never seem to have money left for dates or holidays. He goes away with friends and I'm never invited.
He's always badgering me to have another threesome, but I always refuse.
Now he says if we can't have a threesome, he doesn't want sex at all. He never calls me pretty, never says he loves me, never touches me.
The only reason I'm still here is that I worry he'll tell everyone about the threesome if I leave.
I'm scared everyone would laugh and I'll be humiliated. The fear keeps me trapped.
DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship sounds abusive. Your partner is unaffectionate, withholds compliments and tries to make you have non-consensual group sex.
If he's not actually emotionally abusing you, he is extremely controlling.
Read my support pack, Abusive Partner, to help you see this situation more clearly and find out what your options are.
You miss your friends, family and your cat and you sound, understandably, very lonely.
Start planning for your future. Begin saving up money and look for a job back home. That will make you feel more confident about leaving.
Also, talk to your family about this situation so they can support you.
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When we were in our early teens, her husband cheated on her DEAR DEIDRE I had a secret fling with my mate's mum now I'm worried he'll find out Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) DEAR DEIDRE: IF my best pal finds out that I'm having an affair with his mum, it will ruin our friendship and tear his family apart. I'm 20, the same age as my mate. He has two siblings, aged 17 and 15. I've known his mum, who is 49, since I was a kid. She used to pick me up from school sometimes when my mum was working late. She was our biggest supporter when we played football for our local team, always ready with encouragement and snacks. When we were in our early teens, her husband cheated on her. My mate told me how she didn't cope well, but within the year she'd moved on with another guy, who she was with for three years. But that relationship also ended when he moved abroad for work. Soon after, I bumped into her in a new cafe in town. I helped her carry her shopping home, chatting all the way. When we got there, she asked me to do a little DIY job while I was there. My mate is away at training college so isn't around to help her. She also asked me if I could do a few other repairs for her and I agreed to do them. Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships The next time I went round, though, we began flirting. Before I knew it, we were kissing and cuddling. We went to her bedroom — she led me there by the hand. We ended up having the most awesome sex. Afterwards, she said it was a one-off not to be repeated. However, we have had sex many times since then. She is really worried that my mate will find out, but we are very careful — and so far our secret is safe. I love her, but she says I need to find a woman my own age. I worry that someone will get hurt and it's likely to be me. DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship won't ever work. She's running a home with no partner to give her support, but she should know better than to seduce her son's friend. Your mate would be devastated if he knew what his mother is doing, and you stand to lose his friendship if he ever finds out. You don't have to give in to temptation. Don't go round to her house again. Get out with friends your own age and give yourself the chance of a more equal relationship. You've had a lucky escape and got away with it. Put it down to experience and get on with enjoying your life. Get in touch with Deidre Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. Send an email to deardeidre@ You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. I STILL FEEL ANGER OVER CHEATING EX DEAR DEIDRE: I CANNOT stop feeling angry with my ex-wife – who I broke up with after coming home early one day and seeing her in bed with another guy. I am 36. I thought we had a great relationship, but clearly I was wrong. We had been married for five years and were talking about starting a family. But she began going out regularly, getting drunk and not coming home until the early hours. After I caught her cheating, we divorced. She has remarried and has a baby. I have moved on, too, and am now with a wonderful woman. Our mutual friends have accepted my ex's new husband, yet they don't seem to want to know my partner, who has done nothing wrong. It feels like I am being punished for her affair when I am completely innocent. My ex's life seems to be going so smoothly. She hasn't suffered in the way I did and I sometimes wish she had. Why can't I just move on? DEIDRE SAYS: The fact you are still hurt and angry over the loss of your marriage is understandable. You were betrayed in the worst way possible. Counselling could help you to find peace and contentment with your new partner and leave the past behind. My support pack, How Counselling Helps, explains more. Unfortunately, many people feel pressured to choose sides when a couple divorce. Building up new friendships will help shift your focus from this pain. WORRIED TO DATE WITH STD DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my ex gave me genital herpes, I worry my chances of dating someone new are ruined. I am devastated. I am a 24-year-old single woman. I was with my boyfriend for two years, but I discovered through a mutual friend that he had been cheating on me all the time we were together. And he gave me herpes. I am so ashamed because I know the stigma around this condition. The thought of telling someone new is so daunting, but saying nothing is putting them at risk of going through the same nightmare. It is all I think about from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep at night. It is really knocking my confidence as I'm scared about what any guy's reaction will be. I think they are likely to run a mile. I feel very alone and it's never off my mind. My mum keeps telling me not to worry about it as it's very common. It is stopping me from even attempting to date and getting close to someone. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no reason to avoid meeting new partners. You can have a safe sex life without passing on the virus. Don't feel ashamed about what has happened, herpes is a common virus. You can get detailed advice from the Herpes Viruses Association ( 0845 123 2305), who can help you get on with your life. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, will give you a confidence boost. SILLY GAME HAS RUINED SEX LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: A DRUNKEN game of truth or dare went disastrously wrong when I admitted to my husband that my ex had a bigger penis than him. I bitterly regret blurting this out and, since then, our once regular, amazing sex life has virtually died out completely. I am 33 and my husband is 35. We have been married for eight years. He was so hurt and admitted that something inside him just switched off and destroyed his sex drive. Apart from the lack of sex, we have a wonderful relationship. We are very tactile and always have lots of kisses and cuddles. He is my best friend and always calls me every day when he is at work to say that he loves me. I know that I have let him down terribly. Since that night, sex has dwindled to a couple of times a year at best. And it's always me who initiates it when my husband has had a few drinks. He admits he probably needs help, but he never does anything about it. It is so frustrating. I feel like I am being punished even though I have apologised for my mistake many times. I am missing the sensual closeness and intimacy of sex. My friends all say we are lucky to be so in love and happy. If they knew the truth, they would be shocked. DEIDRE SAYS: If your husband already had insecure feelings about his size, then your confession would intensify that. You have apologised and I assume that you have never complained about your sex life before this. Reassure your husband that being a great lover is about skill, not penis size, and you are more than happy. Tell him how much you miss being intimate and want to get your sex life back to normal. My support pack on Penis Size will reassure him. Watch what you drink in future, to avoid being insensitive.
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DEAR DEIDRE: IF my best pal finds out that I'm having an affair with his mum, it will ruin our friendship and tear his family apart. I'm 20, the same age as my mate. He has two siblings, aged 17 and 15. I've known his mum, who is 49, since I was a kid. She used to pick me up from school sometimes when my mum was working late. She was our biggest supporter when we played football for our local team, always ready with encouragement and snacks. When we were in our early teens, her husband cheated on her. My mate told me how she didn't cope well, but within the year she'd moved on with another guy, who she was with for three years. But that relationship also ended when he moved abroad for work. Soon after, I bumped into her in a new cafe in town. I helped her carry her shopping home, chatting all the way. When we got there, she asked me to do a little DIY job while I was there. My mate is away at training college so isn't around to help her. She also asked me if I could do a few other repairs for her and I agreed to do them. The next time I went round, though, we began flirting. Before I knew it, we were kissing and cuddling. We went to her bedroom — she led me there by the hand. We ended up having the most awesome sex. Afterwards, she said it was a one-off not to be repeated. However, we have had sex many times since then. She is really worried that my mate will find out, but we are very careful — and so far our secret is safe. I love her, but she says I need to find a woman my own age. I worry that someone will get hurt and it's likely to be me. DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship won't ever work. She's running a home with no partner to give her support, but she should know better than to seduce her son's friend. Your mate would be devastated if he knew what his mother is doing, and you stand to lose his friendship if he ever finds out. You don't have to give in to temptation. Don't go round to her house again. Get out with friends your own age and give yourself the chance of a more equal relationship. You've had a lucky escape and got away with it. Put it down to experience and get on with enjoying your life. I STILL FEEL ANGER OVER CHEATING EX DEAR DEIDRE: I CANNOT stop feeling angry with my ex-wife – who I broke up with after coming home early one day and seeing her in bed with another guy. I am 36. I thought we had a great relationship, but clearly I was wrong. We had been married for five years and were talking about starting a family. But she began going out regularly, getting drunk and not coming home until the early hours. After I caught her cheating, we divorced. She has remarried and has a baby. I have moved on, too, and am now with a wonderful woman. Our mutual friends have accepted my ex's new husband, yet they don't seem to want to know my partner, who has done nothing wrong. It feels like I am being punished for her affair when I am completely innocent. My ex's life seems to be going so smoothly. She hasn't suffered in the way I did and I sometimes wish she had. Why can't I just move on? DEIDRE SAYS: The fact you are still hurt and angry over the loss of your marriage is understandable. You were betrayed in the worst way possible. Counselling could help you to find peace and contentment with your new partner and leave the past behind. My support pack, How Counselling Helps, explains more. Unfortunately, many people feel pressured to choose sides when a couple divorce. Building up new friendships will help shift your focus from this pain. WORRIED TO DATE WITH STD DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my ex gave me genital herpes, I worry my chances of dating someone new are ruined. I am devastated. I am a 24-year-old single woman. I was with my boyfriend for two years, but I discovered through a mutual friend that he had been cheating on me all the time we were together. And he gave me herpes. I am so ashamed because I know the stigma around this condition. The thought of telling someone new is so daunting, but saying nothing is putting them at risk of going through the same nightmare. It is all I think about from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep at night. It is really knocking my confidence as I'm scared about what any guy's reaction will be. I think they are likely to run a mile. I feel very alone and it's never off my mind. My mum keeps telling me not to worry about it as it's very common. It is stopping me from even attempting to date and getting close to someone. DEIDRE SAYS: There is no reason to avoid meeting new partners. You can have a safe sex life without passing on the virus. Don't feel ashamed about what has happened, herpes is a common virus. You can get detailed advice from the Herpes Viruses Association ( 0845 123 2305), who can help you get on with your life. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, will give you a confidence boost. SILLY GAME HAS RUINED SEX LIFE DEAR DEIDRE: A DRUNKEN game of truth or dare went disastrously wrong when I admitted to my husband that my ex had a bigger penis than him. I bitterly regret blurting this out and, since then, our once regular, amazing sex life has virtually died out completely. I am 33 and my husband is 35. We have been married for eight years. He was so hurt and admitted that something inside him just switched off and destroyed his sex drive. Apart from the lack of sex, we have a wonderful relationship. We are very tactile and always have lots of kisses and cuddles. He is my best friend and always calls me every day when he is at work to say that he loves me. I know that I have let him down terribly. Since that night, sex has dwindled to a couple of times a year at best. And it's always me who initiates it when my husband has had a few drinks. He admits he probably needs help, but he never does anything about it. It is so frustrating. I feel like I am being punished even though I have apologised for my mistake many times. I am missing the sensual closeness and intimacy of sex. My friends all say we are lucky to be so in love and happy. If they knew the truth, they would be shocked. DEIDRE SAYS: If your husband already had insecure feelings about his size, then your confession would intensify that. You have apologised and I assume that you have never complained about your sex life before this. Reassure your husband that being a great lover is about skill, not penis size, and you are more than happy. Tell him how much you miss being intimate and want to get your sex life back to normal. My support pack on Penis Size will reassure him. Watch what you drink in future, to avoid being insensitive.
