In Relationships, Am I the Asshole?
In a chaotic social media landscape, Reddit has been thriving. The site is one of the last strongholds of the truly social web, the rare place where users aren't coming to make money or appease an algorithm. On Reddit, you can trust you're talking to someone who wants to be there—though you may not trust everything they say.
WIRED went looking for love and found that modern romance is a web of scams, AI boyfriends, and Tinder burnout. But a smarter, more human, and more pleasure-filled future is possible.
No subreddit exemplifies this quite like r/AmItheAsshole. The community was founded in 2013, bringing a snarky, crowdsourced perspective to the advice column format. Reddit users, who usually create new 'throwaway' accounts to stay anonymous, recap interpersonal conflicts and ask the community for their judgment: 'AITA for shouting at my ex in front of my daughters?' 'AITA for wearing a wedding dress at a wedding?' Commenters will vote on whether the original poster (OP) is or is not the asshole (YTA or NTA), and the conversation grows from there.
While posts on Am I the Asshole? cover all manner of drama, the posts about sex and relationships often get the most traction. Some become beacons of healthy relationship-building; others stand as cautionary tales. The debates over who's in the right, who to trust, and what happens next can spill off the subreddit, like a post about beef stew from January 2, which was closed after attracting attention from around the web.
Hoping to find out what happens after someone has asked for an Asshole verdict, WIRED reached out to the authors behind dozens of our favorite posts. We heard back from two: one YTA who wondered about escalating a disagreement with her partner, and one NTA who asked her partner to call her 'Grandma' in bed. (You'll see.) Here's what they had to say.
These interviews have been edited for clarity and length.
Adam Bumas: How often do you visit r/AmITheAsshole?
Weight-Late: I read the subreddit maybe twice a month, if that. While I love the community, lately a lot of bots or people posting for clout have clogged up the forums.
How often do you post there, and why?
Quite honestly I'm only on the sub once in a blue moon when I know I can't go to my friends or family about something, because they're biased towards or against me.
What do you enjoy about taking your problems there?
Well, on this sub you get what you asked for, unbiased and fair judgment. Honestly I like that. It's like getting a breath of fresh air.
Do you ever share AITA posts—your own or in general—with the people in your life?
I've only shared my own maybe once or twice, and only with one person: my best friend of six and a half years. She's the one I go to the most about problems I have, but if I know what her thoughts are gonna be (biased towards me) I go to Reddit.
As for other posts, my partner and I often scroll through our individual accounts and show off AITA posts to each other.
That's sweet! So AITA is something you both share?
Occasionally, that or r/relationships. I'm not sure however if he posts anything, and he doesn't know I post anything. If we show each other things it's mostly other posts and stuff like that.
Do you do that with other social media or just Reddit?
Just Reddit! My other social media profiles are actually pretty public, and I like the anonymity that Reddit brings.
Typically, the hive mind of AITA gives you an NTA score. But this time you got called 'the asshole.' How do you feel about that, and what are you planning to do about it?
My current issue that I came to the subreddit with is still 'under construction,' if you will, but the advice I was given—while harsh—was eye-opening.
Oh yeah?
I'm not gonna exclude the kind ones, because those made me cry the most, but each piece of advice given from the community is helpful.
Angela Watercutter: What led to you to post on AITA?
Icy-Speaker9100: I had never posted on the forum before. I hadn't really used Reddit much before that. I actually used to always go on Twitter and read all of the Am I the Asshole? highlights posts. It was like Best of Reddit or something.
Oh yeah, I remember those feeds.
They had stopped posting, so I was like, I'll just go straight to the source and read it there instead of waiting for this weird bot account to post it. And I just so happened to get into a stupid argument with my boyfriend at the time, and I was like, you know what? This is funny because it's ridiculous, and I think other people will enjoy this. So I typed it up and put it on Reddit. I think I wrote that post at 2 or 3 in the morning, so I didn't even expect anyone was going to see it.
Did they?
Within two hours I had 1,500 or so upvotes. It started just gaining notice quickly, and I was like, oh wow .
There were a lot of responses.
I knew how I felt, and I'm a pretty strong-in-my-feelings person. If I think I'm right, I probably am, and he was always wrong. I like that some people [call their partners 'Daddy']. It's none of my business, not my bedroom. But I wasn't sure if some people were going to be like, 'No, that's a fair thing to ask. And you could have just said no.' You never know how people are going to react on the internet on any given day.
Especially on AITA.
It could have been a different day, and I could have gotten a different crowd and got a really completely different answer, someone who told me I was kink-shaming and being awful. So I liked that everyone was on my side, of course, because no one wants to be called wrong, and it just made me feel vindicated. I was just giving it back to him, and he deserved it, so it made me feel good, and I'm glad everyone agreed.
What about the less serious responses? My favorite was the person who suggested you play the theme to Golden Girls .
The responses made me die.
So what happened after the post? Did your boyfriend see it?
Oh yeah, I showed him.
What was his reaction?
He had already kind of accepted that it was a losing battle. I'm pretty like, 'You're not going to get away with it for long, and I'm not going to stop.' I enjoyed typing it, and I thought it was hysterical. I showed him, and I was like, 'Hey, a thousand people think you're wrong too.'
How'd he take it?
He was like, 'OK, I already know I'm wrong.' I was like, 'Yeah, tell Grandma she's right.' But he accepted it. No one was called Daddy ever again.
Are you two still together?
We broke up for a little while and we got back together. I'm with a different person now.
You didn't break up over the 'Grandma' thing, did you?
No.
OK, good. One thing I like about AITA is that people don't always jump to 'dump him'—they give thoughtful feedback.
I have a new boyfriend now. He's lovely.
Do you have any personal favorite AITA posts?
I'd have to think about it. I have the brain of a gerbil when I'm put on the spot.
I always try to save particular posts, but a lot of my favorites and a lot of the things that attracted me to Reddit came off Twitter, and Twitter is no more, so it's hard.
Yeah, Reddit feels like the last of a dying breed.
[ Scrolling on phone ] Oh, this is actually a good one. And it was pretty well loved at the time. This person made their ex jealous with a picture of a potato they posted that looked rather girthy—I guess phallic in nature—and they really flew off the handle about it.
Reddit!
I love Reddit. I think it's one of the last untouched places. With Twitter turning into X and the TikTok ban and Mark Zuckerberg with his weird chain on Facebook, there's nowhere safe to just be a regular person and have a conversation. I love that about Reddit. Some people suck. People suck everywhere. You can block them on Reddit.
Illustrations: Gaeton Sahsah
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