Valerie Bertinelli admits she ‘fumbled' relationship with ex-boyfriend as she opens up on shame
On Monday, the former Food Network star — who called it quits with ex-boyfriend Mike Goodnough in November after ten months of dating — took to Instagram to share her thoughts on what she thinks makes a relationship work.
"When you feel hurt and wronged and know you deserve an apology but are being stonewalled by your partner because they're feeling shame, maybe this can shift your thinking," she began her lengthy post. "How are you bringing it up? Are you only pointing out what they're doing wrong, being hypercritical, and expecting them to just fix it? That could be making things worse. Change, real change, never happens through criticism, shame, or pressure. They most likely already feel all that. (I know when I f--- up, oof, do I feel shame)."
"When feeling attacked, a natural reaction is to shut down and get defensive and feel overwhelmed about changing behavior that may be a coping mechanism since childhood,"she continued. "They'll feel judged and feel like they can't get anything right and they won't really hear you."
"If you stop focusing on what they did wrong and instead approach with empathy and understanding, everything can then start to shift," she added. "Instead of saying, 'You always do this!' Maybe try, 'This is how I feel when this happens, can we figure this out together?' That one small change can make a difference."
Bertinelli reminded her followers that it's important to work with your partner, not against them.
"And hello, I'm not saying this is easy when you've been hurt and you want to lash out in anger (which is fear and/or grief and probably some of your own hidden childhood triggers). BUT, doing it differently may give you a better chance at getting the apology and amends that you deserve," she wrote.
"Looking for ways to show up for each other is a love language and it takes two to do it," she continued. "Even when you feel wronged and think they should just know and do better. I think we all just want to do better and feel awful when we've hurt someone we love and shame prevents us from thinking clearly. Wouldn't it be nice to relieve the one you love from shame so they can truly give you the amends you're looking for?""Then again, what do I know?" she concluded. "I have two failed marriages and fumbled the last true good man I met. Maybe don't take advice from me."
The reflective thoughts come three months after Bertinelli and Goodnough called it quits, per People.
The "Hot In Cleveland" actress first revealed she was in a new relationship in March 2024. The two went public with their relationship on social media one month later, with Bertinelli posting a photo of them together, with the caption, "I'll drink what you think and I'm high from smokin' your jokes all damn night."
"It's unlike any relationship that I've ever experienced with a man," she told USA Today in March, before explaining that she "wasn't expecting" to be in a relationship again after her divorce from Tom Vitale.
"He was not on my radar. I was going to die with my six cats and my dog and be incredibly happy doing it. So this came out of left field, and I'm grateful it did. He's very special."
Vitale and Bertinelli were married from 2011 to 2022, with the actress previously referencing their divorce as "wicked."
Prior to her marriage to Vitale, the "One Day at a Time" actress was married to musician Eddie Van Halen from 1981 to 2007.
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