Is my boyfriend a freak, or is his kink simply too freaky for me?
DEIDRE AFTER DARK Is my boyfriend a freak, or is his kink simply too freaky for me?
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DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE always liked a bit of rough, but I think my latest boyfriend's preferences may be too extreme for me.
When he first told me he was into CBT I thought he was talking about counselling. Then it quickly became apparent that he wanted me to kick him in the balls.
We've been together for four months and our sex life has been so exciting. He loves me dressing up in sexy underwear and high heels.
The first time he asked me to dominate him was thrilling. I walked all over his back - in my stilettos and afterwards we had the most intense sex I've ever experienced.
I knew I was in for a kinky ride the first time I saw him naked. He has a ring at the end of his penis which he told me would give me the best orgasms of my life - he wasn't wrong.
I'm 44 and he's 46 and we get on just as well out of the bedroom as inside it.
The attraction between us is insane but I'm concerned I've reached my limit since he explained he wants me to hurt him down below.
I mean how do you get pleasure from that?
He says he's had two relationships where his exes were happy to participate and that they enjoyed the sense of dominance and control.
He's asked me to try it just once to see if it is for me but I'm too nervous to even go there.
Dear Deidre on relationships, jealousy and envy
What if I seriously injure him? I know he says there is a strong bond between pleasure and pain but his requests are making me feel extremely uneasy.
He has lived with anxiety his whole life and says that letting go in the bedroom is one of the few pleasures that give him a real break.
So far I've avoided what he calls 'ball play' but I can tell he's not going to let up.
What should I do? Give it a chance or run for the hills?
DEIDRE SAYS: To start off no one should do anything sexually they are not comfortable with.
So if this suggestion is something that churns your stomach and you simply can't face it then you need to be honest with your boyfriend.
Discuss if there is a compromise. You clearly have a lively sex life as it stands. Does he need this to get satisfaction or is it simply an option he enjoys?
Ball play is better known than you may realise. And while of course there are obvious dangers, devotees say they experience intense pleasure from the practice.
For some CBT is about constriction of the penis or testicles, for others it's about inflicting pain on the penis or testicles.
If you decide you do want to try the practice, be very clear about your limits and ask him about his.
Make sure you have safe words and go slowly to begin with and carefully monitor any reactions.
My support pack Kinks And Fetishes explains more.
Dear Deidre's Fetish Files
Deidre's mailbag is bursting with kinky sex problems.
One reader struggled to look past her husband's hosiery fetish, while another discovered his interest in cuckolding after his girlfriend's infidelity.
And one woman discovered her husband's affair with a woman on a fetish website.
The UK's Ten Most Popular Kinks
According to a recent survey by Killing Kittens, a company who organise sex parties, the ten most popular UK kinks are:
BDSM 16%
Feet 5%
Exhibitionism 4%
Restraints 4%
Group Sex 4%
Latex 4%
Shibari Rope 3.5%
Voyeur 3.5%
Leather 3%
Threesome 2.5%
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